Wonder Woman Products To Buy Instead Of Voting For Female Candidates

Illustrations By Rowan Joyce

Wonder Woman Mug – If you take your coffee with a dash of girl power, start your day off with this sassy ceramic mug. It’s a reminder that, after only 19 male predecessors, us ladies got our own freakin’ DC superhero franchise! Safe to say things couldn’t get better for women in this country, so let’s ditch those ballots and get straight to sippin’.

Wonder Woman Mascara – What a privilege it is to exercise our choice to purchase Wonder Woman-branded mascara over regular mascara that hardly says anything about female empowerment on the packaging. Even though the profits for every type of mascara all go to the same male business owner, real feminists know which one to choose!

Wonder Woman Socks – Now we’re getting really cheeky. Show up to the office with this spicy cotton on display, and you’ll make a bold statement about female leadership in the workplace. Don’t be surprised when these radical socks bowl over the entire male C-suite, and ultimately shatter the glass ceiling from the sheer amount of moxie on display.

Wonder Woman Bobblehead – Passed up for that promotion yet again, due to the maternity leave you took ten years ago? Stick it to the man with this Wonder Woman Bobblehead, which is a real sucker punch to anyone at your company who might have forgotten about a certain fictional lady boss, whose credentials include saving all of humanity. Get with it fellas!

Wonder Woman Graphic Tee – You’ll slay all day in this eco-friendly graphic tee made from recycled “I’m With Her” shirts. The iconic design on the front says “I am woman, hear me roar!” While the loose fit says, “Please don’t harass me as I walk down the street with my children!” You’ll get harassed either way, but this way you can say, “Have you even seen the movie?!”

Wonder Woman Wine Glass – After a long day’s work, cheers to the fact that as a modern woman, you really can have it all if you’re rich enough to outsource all your domestic labor. If not, there’s always the Wonder Woman In the Kitchen collection to help you dust, rinse, and wipe with seriously impressive speed, even after that third bottle of wine.

Wonder Woman Rash Cream – If the stress of it all is causing a pesky skin condition all over your body, we’ve got an inspirational rash cream with your name on it. Simply smooth on your skin and remember that progress is inevitable when women make up a whole 25% of the U.S. Senate, 0% of presidents and 100% of the protagonists in the Wonder Woman sequel!

Wonder Woman Blood Pressure Monitor – Wow, Roe v. Wade is seriously in jeopardy, and did that congressman just call his female colleague “a fucking bitch?” Time for the Wonder Woman Blood Pressure Monitor! This sleek device will tell you if you need to go to the hospital, or simply stop watching the news and put on your favorite superhero movie instead.

Wonder Woman Passport Holder – If you’re going to flee the country and start over with a new identity, you might as well do it with a nod to all the strong women who came before you. This leather bound passport will provide the her-spiration you need to cut off all your hair and purchase that one-way plane ticket. Don’t worry about whether this is all an obvious cry for help. Susan B. Anthony wishes she could’ve rented an Airbnb in Italy for 6 months!

Wonder Woman Pajamas – You made it back home before anyone realized you were gone for three hours in the middle of the night. Nice! Why not treat yourself to these luxurious silk pajamas during the one hour of sleep you’ll get? After another day of smashing the patriarchy, you can rest easy knowing that yet again, Wonder Woman saved the day.

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