illustrations by Neil Kohney
Cotton masks in neutral colors to mix and match!
Just because we are in the midst of a deadly global pandemic doesn’t make it okay for your outfits to clash (only applies to women; men who look disheveled during the pandemic will be assumed to be first responders or members of Doctors Without Borders).
Garlic to wear on a string around your neck.
Yes, this is folklore, but it’s also statistically as effective as hydroxychloroquine.
Elizabeth Warren or RBG graphic tee.
This is only effective for keeping white men away, but given the demographics of who’s refusing to wear masks, this item is worth adding to your closet!
Umbrella in an accent color.
It will be useful for rainy days, for hiding, or for jabbing at people who get too close.
Some kind of weird pet to carry around.
Don’t get anything fluffy or inviting. Try a reptile, large rat, hairless cat, or a molting bird that screams. The pet should be neutral in color so that it goes with everything.
A hoop skirt: The ultimate social-distancing garment!
Get one with a six-foot radius. For a feminist update, get one with pockets.
Items for the pockets of your hoop skirt.
A bottle of Purell, a canister of Clorox wipes, a backup mask, a backup backup mask, a copy of your ID and insurance card in case you become sick, an updated copy of your living will, a complete and current list of the cell phone numbers of everyone you know for contact tracing purposes, a bottle of Advil, a digital thermometer, a pulse-oximeter, an incentive spirometer, an albuterol nebulizer, a blood pressure cuff, a defibrillator, instructions for pet/plant/child care in the event of your death or incapacitation, a list of your medications, a list of your allergies, a list of your pre-existing conditions, and a roll of Lifesavers.