Why You, My Parents, Should Financially Support Me Moving Into This Borderline Condemnable Off-Campus House

Hey mom! Thanks for calling me back! As we discussed, I’m excited to take the next big step in my college career and move out of the dorms and into a house off campus. Again, thank you so much for offering to co-sign the lease.

I’m so happy you visited yesterday to tour my college improv group’s house. I totally understand your concern and visible disgust, but if we don’t find enough people to rent Butt House then Yes Anderson could lose this place that’s been with the group for over 20 years! Before you say “that’s a good thing” and “no human should live there,” I think a lot of your concerns actually have to do with the things that make the house so special: the history and traditions! Let me go through your list of concerns and address them all one by one, and I hope you’ll reconsider.

“General Grossness”

I hear what you’re saying, but I think you’ll find that a lot of off-campus houses are gross! I assume. I haven’t checked. I’ve always pictured myself living here and nowhere else, because that’s what the cool Yes Anderson seniors do. Plus, the location can’t be beat. It’s only five miles from downtown and ten miles from campus. I think that’s more than enough to justify it costing twice as much as a dorm.

“Disturbing Posters”

Those posters you saw are from years and years of comedy shows, and okay yes maybe a few people’s acid trip painting sessions. I like it, it’s kind of like a growing museum of comedy relics. I’m sorry, I should have warned you about “Bongica Lewinsky” and “Drinking Mayonnaise” and the framed photo of 10 people mooning the camera. Those are all from hilarious sketches Ally wrote. Oh, who’s Ally? She’s the one with the clear rim glasses who always French tucks her shirts. No, not her, the other one. No the other one. No the- never mind, the point is, these are all invaluable heirlooms of comedy.

I think all the old posters, stolen signs, and pictures of white guys I’ve never seen before but who all look eerily like me add personality. If it’s really a “fire hazard,” why would the landlord let all this stuff stay up? Laziness? They have no incentive to improve anything because by annually pressuring our friends into living here we guarantee them renters forever? No, it’s because they love our club’s rich history.

“Convex Ceiling”

You mentioned my would-be ceiling looks like it’s going to cave in, but I prefer to think of it as “tastefully rotund.” It looks like that because my room is right below the upstairs living room, which is the party dance floor every weekend. Collapse?? No, don’t worry! We’ve started telling people “NO JUMPING!” and asking them to instead softly bend their knees to the beat. It’s amazing how much less the house shakes when 100+ people are lightly squatting instead of jumping.

Anyway, none of these safety concerns should matter because I was shown a photo proving that Donald Glover was once maybe in this room.

“Dozens of Shoes Hanging in the Tree Out Front”

Okay this one is actually pretty cool. When seniors graduate they throw shoes into the tree and they stay there forever! So fun! And the various stages of shoe decay are beautiful. If I live here I’ll get to throw them back up every time they fall (which is a lot). I’m here now and I swear this pair is Donald’s from his iconic 2011 TMZ video “Glover seen emerging from Starbucks.” This house is literally full of comedy history!

“Angry Stray Cat That Comes With the House”

That’s just Shadow, he’s great. No, I’m not sure how old he is, but my improv teammates told me he was found in the woods. He’s part of the house now as an informal mascot, and the cat smell really offsets the beer smell. Every year people move out and abandon him, blindly assuming the next person will become his caretaker, and this year that’ll be me! You know I’ve always wanted a cat. Yes I’m allergic but I think we’ll be friends. I’m thinking of renaming him. 

“Basement Full of Broken Glass”

Yes, the basement does have a “shovelable amount of broken glass,” but that’s just from years of playing “bounce or break.” You haven’t heard of it? It’s a game my friends taught me where you chuck bottles at the concrete wall and everyone chants “BOUNCE OR BREAK??” Super fun. I know what you’re thinking, yes, it usually breaks. It’ll be dangerous for Donald’s paws though so I’ll clean it up. 

And that stack of metal poles is just from years of people stealing the Butt Street sign before they graduate. Silly tradition. No don’t worry, I would never. Even if I wanted to, the town installed military-grade bolts and made the pole 25 feet high so no worries there. 

Okay, I think we’re on the same page and we both understand the rich cultural history of Butt House. I’m emailing you the lease so please sign and send that to me when you get the chance. Okay, I’ve got to get going, Ally is gathering everyone to help erect the decades of stolen signposts as structural supports for the ceiling. Bye!!

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