Out Of Office Emails From Your Coworker On A Staycation In Quarantine

On Monday, October 12th at 9:07 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,

Thank you for your email, I am out of the office this week and will return to work next Tuesday, October 20th. If this is an urgent matter, please alert my colleague Rebecca @ Rebecca@ABCbuyers.com. Thank You!
-Midred

On Tuesday, October 13th at 11:13 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,
Thank you for your email. I am out of the office and I have no idea what’s going on or where I live. I coughed last Thursday, and I can’t find any avocados on Amazon. I will return to the office next Tuesday, October 20th. If you need anything, please reach out to my colleague Rebecca @ Rebecca@ABCbuyers.com.
-Mildred

On Wednesday, October 14th at 10:37 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,
I am still out of the office, but still inside the apartment, which is weird but it’s fine. I’m online a lot. If this is urgent, I don’t want to say “emergency,” we work in social media, is anything really an emergency? I mean I guess it could be, but this isn’t a hospital or a bank or a Lululemon, nothing really serious could go wrong. It’s like not like anyone’s yoga pants caught on fire after a fire twirling performance. Not that I’d know anything about that. I guess if you need something ask my colleague Rebecca. I’m not working.
-Mildred

On Wednesday, October 14th at 1:18 PM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,
Thanks for the email, I am out of the office and will return on Tuesday if I make it until then. My boyfriend is really annoying, and his mother said I gained weight in the quarantine. I may be in jail for murder soon because Susan’s a fucking bitch. But if I don’t go to jail for murdering that Talbots-wearing money whore by then I’ll email you back when I return next Tuesday. If I‘m still around by then. We are trying to make our relationship work, so we took a PTO week to be alone together in this apartment but it’s clear Steve and I are not meant to be together. If you need me don’t contact me, ask my colleague Rebecca.
-Mildred

On Wednesday, October 14th at 1:19 PM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,
This email feels unnecessary if you haven’t noticed by now, I AM NOT IN THE OFFICE THIS WEEK BRIDGET!!!!!! AND NO, YOUR FOLLOW UP 18 PHONE CALLS AFTER SEEING MY OUT OF OFFICE EMAILS WERE NOT CHARMING!!! I AM NOT AVAILABLE THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!! MY RELATIONSHIP IS DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Not warmly,
Mildred

On Thursday, October 15th at 3:05 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,
Thanks for the em – I AM ON VACATION BUT STILL STARING AT A SCREEN, MY EYES ARE BLEEDING. Call Rebecca if you need help with your dumb and stupid stuff…………..Steve texts a girl named Heather a lot when he thinks I’m asleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Mildred

On Thursday, October 15th at 5:54 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,
I don’t give a shit. My boyfriend sucks.
-Mildred

On Thursday, October 15th at 7:07 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

We need pancetta for the garlic bread that we’re eating for breakfast can you tell my boyfriend? He’s useless. He went to the store 8 hours ago and our kids are stupid and can’t read they’re like 11. I’m not sure we have kids actually; I have insomnia and I have been in this studio apartment for 7 months now? I see children walking around. My boyfriend’s mom is a bitch.
-Mildred

On Thursday, October 15th at 9:09 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,
The fridge broke. If you’d like to kill me soon that would be great. You can just use pills or something, a gun sounds painful, just make it fast.
-Mildred

On Thursday, October 15th at 11:12 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

NOW THE FUCKING AIR CONDITIONER BROKE, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON A STAYCATION BUT WHAT IS A STAYCATION WHEN YOU LIVE IN A STUDIO APARTMENT IN A QUARANTINE IN FUCKING BUSHWICK????????? I HATE MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS MOM AND HER STUPID TALBOTS OUTFITS!!!!!!!
-Mildred

On Friday, October 16th at 4:44 AM Mildred Wilkinson <Mildred@ABCbuyers.com> wrote:

Hello,
Thank you so much for your email, I am out of the office today and will never return because life is an illusion, the pandemic will kill us all unless the fires beat them to it! We are going to drown in a boiling ocean made of plastic and iPhone chargers. My boyfriend ran away I think, if you see him, he’s a huge asshole and his name is Steve and he can’t run fast or do ANYTHING well at ALL. He’s probably holding GROCERIES THAT HE SAID HE WOULD GET AGES AGO BUT HE’S STUPID. I’M BORED, I’M SAD, I HATE IT HERE. I used my PTO days to sit inside and try to save our dying relationship, like 7 days off work still stuck inside together was gonna save this dead romance????? And his mom is right, I did get fat cause I’m stressed, and the world is ending. And I just have to sit inside laying down on this fucking futon that has ARBY’S WRAPPERS IN IT and worry that we have mice while staring at my computer screen and typing fucking emails to you cause YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT IN THE OFFICE THIS WEEK I HATE YOU BRIDGET!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Mildred

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