By Natalie Griffen and Ginny Hogan
“Pizzagate” began as a rejected law school application essay: Have you ever thought about why some alt-right-er was noodling over John Podesta’s emails for so long, trying to craft an insane conspiracy theory? It’s because they had LSAT score under 130 and a heart set on Yale Law. Indeed, they believe if they cracked the code and ciphered through those emails, they could earn enough public recognition to secure admission to the country’s top law school. After all, who but a grad-school wannabe is that obsessed with Pizza?
“QAnon” has a really rich dad: Ever considered how Q became such a notable conspiracy theorist so quickly? Why Q alone overtook all the amateurs, myself included? I hate to break it to those who believe in meritocracy – the greatest conspiracy theory of all – but QAnon actually hasn’t paid their own rent in months. So yeah, without stressing about bills, they have all the time in the world to noodle over their impossible-to-believe theories. It’s probably all just a PR play for when they launch their new line of clothing – following in Paris Hilton’s iconic steps.
“Vaccines Don’t Work” began when the line to get the polio vaccine was 4 blocks long: I’m sure you can understand the frustration of standing out in the hot sun for slow, painful hours, or have you never voluntarily attended a music festival? If they only had something like ZocDoc (but functional), no one would have started this vicious, vicious rumor, and Jenny McCarthy would go down in history as a great Playboy model.
“Wayfair is a Human Trafficking Front” started as Chronicles of Narnia fan-fiction: C.S. Lewis was the original believer in mysterious things going on inside wardrobes, so it makes sense. Fun fact: the Wayfair rumor started in the same piece of fan-fic in which Aslan and Tumnus finally date.
“Bigfoot” believers have oversized feet: What better way to take attention off your own size 14 feet than to create a creature who is specifically known for their enormous pads? And Bigfoot-inventors don’t care if you think he’s extraterrestrial, harmless, or evil, just as long as shoe manufacturers are scared enough to produce clogs for him. It’s not entirely self-motivated, though, as there’s no official proof that Bigfoot doesn’t exist.
The “Covid-19 is connected to 5G network radiation” theorists are just looking to resell their iPhone 4’s: It’s hard to have an iPhone 4 in an iPhone 11 world – the owners are understandably eager to resell. Therefore, they took to the Conspiracy Factory (reddit) to begin rumors that 5G radiation – not COVID – is what’s causing people’s mysterious symptoms. In their defense, I’ve had an iPhone for a decade, and I am always tired.
Flat-Earthers are Honest Folk with Poor Depth-Perception: I need to stop you right here – have you ever seen the Earth curve? And if you have, could it just be a classic padded bra situation where the curvature is greatly exaggerated? I’m not saying I’m a flat-earther, but on the other hand….my depth perception is fine.
“The Sky is Falling” is just global warming: Looking out my window, I can tell you this is not a conspiracy theory. Not at all.