- Get tested beforehand in order to confirm that you didn’t have the virus last week, before you went to three different supermarkets.
- Don’t hesitate to go to your hometown bar on Thanksgiving Eve—coronavirus shouldn’t jeopardize the special tradition of reminding yourself why you hated everyone from high school.
- Take guests’ temperatures at the door, but remember to use an infrared thermometer gun because those pop-up timers you put inside turkeys while they cook don’t work on humans.
- Brainstorm conversation topics other than how strange this is and how weird the holidays will be next month, too.
- When a political argument breaks out and you need to ease tensions, pretend to forget that you’re wearing a mask while eating.
- This year, it’s probably best to skip your secret tradition of spitting into the gravy boat before setting the table.
- If you play a game of touch football, remember to remain six feet apart.
- An unprecedented global pandemic doesn’t mean you suddenly have to go along with Aunt Judy’s annual suggestion for everyone to go around the table and share what they’re thankful for—you can still sneak off to the bathroom like it’s any other year.
- When a second political argument breaks out and you need to ease tensions, quip that “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to pass out from eating all this turkey… Just wake me up when there’s a vaccine!”
- Console your little cousin who’s upset by the changes to this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade by explaining that it’s only different because 250,000 Americans have died from COVID-19 and the number is sure to continue skyrocketing.
- This isn’t pandemic-specific, but remember not to fill up on stuffing. You always eat too much too fast, and then you never have enough room for the creamed pearl onions.
- If someone begins to feel COVID-19 symptoms, check to make sure the Cowboys game isn’t on before panicking that they have the virus.
- Find comfort in the fact that even in the most turbulent times, Aunt Judy’s mashed potatoes will always be way too dry.
- Have that second slice of pie—who knows if you’ll ever get the chance again? And while you’re at it, have a third.
- When a third political argument breaks out and you need to ease tensions, remind everyone how lucky you all are to be together, and that travel restrictions prevented Uncle Al from coming.
- Do your Black Friday shopping online, which you probably should have been doing years ago anyway—you know the internet exists and you don’t have to get up at dawn to stampede a Best Buy, right?
- Actually, you know what? Considering the extremely contagious and deadly virus, maybe it’s best to skip the holiday instead and avoid a repeat of the first Thanksgiving.
Little Old Lady Comedy 