Guidelines For A Safe Family Gathering, According To My Ex-Wife

The Covid-19 pandemic has been stressful and isolating for many people (just like our marriage). Gatherings during the upcoming holidays can be an opportunity to reconnect with family and friends (unless they cheated on you). 

This holiday season, consider how your holiday plans can be modified to reduce the spread of Covid-19 to keep your friends, families, and communities healthy and safe. For me, one idea immediately comes to mind. You’re not invited.

First and foremost, it is best to celebrate with your immediate household.
Every other weekend does not constitute immediate household. Have fun drinking alone. You caused this.

Here are some other important factors for considering assembling in small gatherings of friends and family, of which you are neither to me.

Community levels of Covid-19: High or increasing levels of Covid-19 cases in the gathering location, as well as in the areas where attendees are coming from, increase the risk of infection and spread among attendees. Last I checked, Vegas had a soaring infection rate. 

Exposure during travel: Travelers are at high risk of being exposed to the virus in the air and on the surfaces of travel locations. They are also at high risk of being exposed to their coworkers thrashing sexuality, when all you did travel for work. While you and that account lead were fucking, I was at Kayla’s play. 

Location of the gathering: Indoor gatherings, especially those with poor ventilation (for example, a downtown apartment with faux Western decor), pose more risk than outdoor gatherings, like the backyard in the house that I got.

Duration of the gathering: Gatherings that last longer pose more risk than shorter gatherings. For instance, our 12 year marriage has done comparable damage to the Great Spanish Influenza. But, my 3 dates with Carl — a pediatrician who plays the violin and actually listens — decreases the risk of me becoming broken. 

Behaviors of attendees prior to the gathering: I feel like I’ve already covered this…

Behaviors of attendees during the gathering: We don’t want a repeat of Michael’s fifth grade graduation. I didn’t know it was possible to drink so much Scotch before 10am. 

Number and crowding of people at the gathering: Gatherings with more people pose more risk than gatherings with fewer people. And if that isn’t a metaphor for our family that you broke, I am too tired to find a better one. 

The following people should not attend in-person holiday gatherings:
—People with or exposed to COVID-19
—People with symptoms of COVID-19
—You 

In other words, stay six feet away from me and the kids for Thanksgiving and then the rest of our lives.

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