Dear Josh,

Due to the unusually high number of qualified candidates, we’re only hiring people with PhDs in astrophysics.

Sincerely,
Office Depot

---

Hey Josh,

You were the strongest candidate, but we couldn’t resist the charm of our CEO’s favorite grandson.

Better luck next time,
Houndstooth Bank

---

Hi Josh,

We’re going to pass. We’ll hold on to contact information in case there is a future position we don’t want to hire you for.

Best wishes,
Alpine Marketing

---

Wow Josh,

No cover letter? Really?

Up yours,
Kinkos

---

Wow Josh,

A cover letter? Really?

C’mon man,
FedEx

---

Hey Josh,

Unfortunately, we’ve decided to let another candidate hate working here.

Good luck out there,
Cheesecake Factory

---

Hey stupid,

We realize you put a lot of effort into our weirdly complicated application, but we’re still going to ghost you.

Suck it,
Nondescript Office

---

Dear Josh,

Congratulations, you’re hired (since you’re so excited, it’ll take you half an hour to realize this is spam)!

Yours,
Nigerian Prince LLC