Missed Connections For Hallmark Movie Characters

You: Wearing a candy cane hat and singing to children

Me: Businessman staring at you from afar and taking in your love of Christmas

I asked you, “Why do you love Christmas so much?” and you just laughed like I made a joke even though I don’t really get “humor.” I’d love to have you over for Christmas because my niece whose parents died in a car accident lives with me and in their will they requested that I teach her about the magic of Christmas and how to sing while making eggnog.

You: Outside the shutdown mill on Holly street. You were taking notes and seemed like you really wanted to save it. I too care about the mill and how much it means to our town. Find me and maybe we can join forces, I’ll try not to let my stuffy fiancée who I have no discernable chemistry with get in the way of our journey. 

Me: I helped plan your office’s Christmas party and you said you thought my idea to do a “Winter Wonderland” theme was innovative. During the party I stared at you a lot and sang “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” loudly near you, didn’t you know that was flirting? I know you are a high powered business man who hates people and only finds joy in the color grey and I am a quirky “Lauren Graham” type–but maybe we’re meant to be?

You: Dropped your holiday shopping bags and I helped you pick them up. You were with a man who couldn’t get off his phone and kept glaring at you. There is a Christmas scavenger hunt coming up and you’re the only one I can imagine doing it with (dump your boyfriend).

You: My daughter’s music teacher and I’m the dad who’s always crying because my wife died in a freak Christmas pie eating catastrophe last year. You once asked me if I needed a tissue but I was too proud to admit I did. Celebrate Christmas this year with my traumatized daughter who thinks Christmas kills women through evil and fulfill our Christmas dreams.

We made small talk at your family’s Christmas cookie bakery when you rang me up for about ten seconds and I bought from you an obese cookie shaped like the whole nativity scene. The cookie tasted like Jesus, dreams, Christmas spirit and the most magical ingredient of all: love! Will you marry me?

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