We’ve all faced the impossible task of buying a present for someone who has it all. But if having it all includes a vagina, you’re in luck this holiday season! Between Amy Coney-Barrett’s confirmation and a government run by human foreskins, reproductive freedoms have been reclassified from rights to gifts. And this guide is here to help you figure out what “handout” to get that special woman in your life. Whether she celebrates with a labia menorah or 5 golden NuvaRings, the best gift you can give a girl is peace of mind over her own body–unless you’re God, who got this whole ball rolling by impregnating a virgin.
- A Mason Jar that Doubles as a Diva Cup
If your gal wants to reduce clutter and go green in the new year, then look no further! This jar is trendy, sustainable, and makes for a fun guessing game when labeled “homemade jam.” She’ll never need to clean it because her vagina smells just like that sourdough starter she’s working on. Sold exclusively at Goop.
- Expired Soy Milk
We all know a lass who’s always trying the newest wellness trend. Now most guys would simply give unprompted advice on her form at the gym. But this year, don’t just remind her that she is a woman, make her feel like one. Soy milk is naturally high in estrogen, so every time she swallows a curdle, she’s basically popping the pill. And with her extra eager beaver, she can go to SoulCycle knowing that banging a bike seat covered in sweat, pussy juice, and a little bit of pee won’t leave her infertile.
- A Zodiac Ovulation Calendar
So when your broad gets angry about governmental decisions regarding her health and safety, the GOP can blame her period. And she can blame Mercury.
- A John Green Book
Year after year of FDA-approved contraceptives gets boring. That’s why we’re suggesting the hottest new alternative to hormonal birth control: the musings of the best-selling YA novelist John Green. Nothing gets a woman’s estrogen flowing like the drunk driving and François Rabelais quotes in Looking for Alaska. And don’t worry about side effects- every character’s weirdly specific nickname is a perfect distraction from whatever’s going on in her lady pumps.
- Candy Cane Pap Smear Swabs
If Santa hadn’t taken a look at Rudolph’s South Pole, he couldn’t have diagnosed the red nose as a symptom of HPV.
- Another John Green Book
Why make shopping harder than it needs to be when you can get your amiga especial a tried-and-true gift? At least that’s what you said when she unwrapped a bottle of Chanel N°5 for the 10th year in a row. As a contraceptive, The Fault In Our Stars make-out scene in the Anne Frank House provides a horny Holocaust mixed signal to confuse any uterus.
- Trump Mammograms
Take the stress out of keeping your non-male companion healthy! The technicians make sure to grope her off-guard because the hardest part of the procedure is the anticipation. And the consent. Before gifting, consult a physician. If her insurance doesn’t cover that tit-squeezing orange blob, the out-of-work Elmos in Times Square work too. You better get your Trump Mammograms before they’re gone, since every Friday is Black Friday until January 20th!