Hello there! Woohoo, over here! It’s me, Marty! You might not know me by my management-given name, but I sure know you. I mean, nice to meet you. I’m always messing up introductions like that. Shrug. Anyway, I’m the Stop & Shop grocery store robot with the cute googly eyes. Be sure to look into them — they’re so big and adorable — and forget all about the people who will lose their jobs because of me!
If you go to Stop & Shop, you’ve probably seen me moseying around the supermarket. I’m just like one of you! I have eyes and a mouth and feel no pain or sadness when I think about the ways in which this country continues to protect the interests of big corporations at the expense of the average working-class American citizen.
What do I do? I clean up messes. Well, not technically. But I sure do figure out when there is a mess, and I get Dan from aisle 3 to come clean it. My favorite mess to clean up is the economy. And by clean, I mean demolish the livelihood of hard working people all across this big, beautiful country. Aren’t I funny?
What else do I do? Gee willikers. A lot! Management used to be hush-hush about all I was capable of accomplishing. But between you and me, I can scan shelves to see what needs to be restocked. And I can scan your soul too — I mean, never mind. Management can sure be a trickster! Sometimes they like to play Two Truths and A Lie. Let’s do a round!!! 1) I’m Marty, the Stop & Shop Robot. 2) I can do all sorts of fun things you don’t even realize. 3) I’m definitely not going to take your job. ***
Don’t mind me, I just snapped your photo. Why? It’s hard to say. Is it to store your face in my zany memory bank? Do I track your identity and shopping habits to use against you in a variety of ways including but not limited to insurance discrimination and maybe even blackmail? Heck no! I’m just a nostalgic little bot who wants to remember what it looked like when humans worked and shopped here. I know, I’m such a goofball.
People say I’m expensive because I cost $35,000. Like, woah. That’s a lot for a ditzy little robot like me, right?! Wrong. I’ll save your company hundreds and thousands of dollars in salary and benefits each year. That $35,000 is a one time payment. You try paying humans $35,000 only one time and believe you me, there will be a lot of frustrated groans from that spoiled peanut gallery. We’ll never try to unionize like all those other indolent workers who want crazy things like vacation days and sick leave. I don’t need health insurance, either. Stacey, who Stop & Shop fired last April, does. Or did. Did Stacey die? Who’s to say? Don’t give it another thought. My eyes are so silly.
I know, I know (!!!) I make some of you nervous. I get it. But please don’t worry. There are hundreds of Marties like me in Stop & Shop supermarkets all over the country. And there are other robots just like us, too. We’re an adaptable bunch and the sky’s the limit for me and my robot pals. Some of us love to write, others work in management, and some get really excited about transportation. Humans used to make me, but soon, I’ll be brought to life by some of my other robot buddies. We love to play games like “we hate poor people” and “haha, you’re next!” I can’t wait until you meet all of my other funny friends! Wink. Wink.
***Answer key to two truths and a lie: 3) is the lie!! Did you win?!