1. Refer to your degree as a “lady diploma” and request a copy on scented paper.

2. Promise to defend his mother before your dissertation.

3. Place your “The Elements of Statistical Learning: Data Mining, Inference, and Prediction” textbook on a high shelf and then praise him for being able to reach it. 

4. If forced to write out your honorific, do so with pink glitter pens. 

5. Leave office hours early so you can get home in time to freshen your face and ready his pipe, slippers, and Wall Street Journal. 

6. Come to bed wearing your mortarboard and nothing else.

7. Hide cute little notes in his briefcase that say things like “women couldn’t vote before 1920” and “I [heart] the pay gap.”

8. Diet!

9. Sign your separation agreement “Kiddo.”