The Amazingly Parallel Lives Of Me And Meryl Streep

The thing that got me started was seeing The Meryl Streep walking up State Street in Santa Barbara. It was definitely she with that casual yet sophisticated gait, honking sunglasses, and air of someone aware of not going unnoticed. It was then I realized that is so me too! I have an unusual stride because my legs are almost the same length, the sunglasses because of my scarred left cornea, and I have a real sixth sense about people looking or not looking at me. It is so clear to me that Ms. Streep and I are practically twins separated at birth, only she is slightly older than I am, like twenty or so years.

I am sure Ms. Streep is a vegetarian like moi. I think I even read somewhere that she lives a plant-based existence, bypassing swanky $6,000 wildebeest pelt purses for pleather, and eating only local organic, hand-harvested produce grown far from sacred Native American burial sites, on the gentle south-facing slopes of sixth generation farmers. I too have a lot of plastic accessories in my wardrobe and I eat lots of natural things. I can live whole weeks at a time on those organic frozen french fries from Whole Foods and frozen skinny green beans (from France!) from Trader Joe’s. A lot of my furniture even is wood, which is a plant of course!

Ms. S. probably gets a lot of healthful body treatments, like Swiss seaweed (very rare!) wraps, Fijian mud baths, and mole cauterizations. I too have had many unattractive growths removed from my body! I too have beauty rituals and exfoliate semi-weekly, using only plain white sugar in my frugal version of “our life.” Ms. S. most probably indulges in Nordic medium-tissue transcendental massage, while I enjoy the exact same effects in my vibrating Barcalounger with rolling lumbar balls. Both Ms. S. and myself are health and glamor mavens who know how to pamper ourselves!

But it isn’t all beauty and leisure! I just bet Meryl spends hours each week perusing scripts for the right part, listening to movie pitches from top writers and producers, examining story boards to see how much screen time she would get and how many great costume changes there would be. Plus she has to consider the dialect issue. What language would she have to appear to have mastered like a native next? Is it an attractive accent or something with a lot of snorts and glottals?

Meanwhile I too take my part-time work at the San Bernardino county civil service exam office very seriously. I too am in the public eye before crowds of wannabe-me’s when I proctor exams for clerks, public work crews, and animal control specialists. Mer and I know what it’s like to “be out there” and work hard!

We also share so many other little personal quirks. We both have lost sunglasses. We both do not like to drive straight into the late afternoon California sun. We both have to be so careful not to sunburn. We both enjoy new shoes. And we both are giving people. She has done so much for refugees, equal rights, and I’m sure lots of artsy causes. And I always give to the Red Cross when there’s a natural disaster even in places the exact locations of I cannot recall. Plus my old togs go directly into that big yellow clothes drop-box in my grocery store parking lot.

Yes, M and I are practically sisters! And when she reads this I’m sure she’ll want to meet her twin. But I’m using a nome de plume here because, face it, we both want to protect our precious freedom through anonymity. If she ever did want to meet though, I’m sure we could figure it out. She’s so resourceful (like me!) and could find me if she really, really looked, and say, wanted to give me a walk-on in her next film or invite me to meet her dearest friends at a dinner party at her home. We could so easily become besties.

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