This Is What My Body Feels Like After The Holidays

Humpty Dumpty 

A thigh 

A bubble letter W 

The sound of John Goodman’s voice 


All torso 

A wet comforter 

A jowl totem pole 

A womb wearing a wig 

The Bean in Chicago, but not silver or shiny 

If the word “waterlogged” took on female form and still had to work 

A jumbo Crayon 

Stagnant pond water 

Grover Cleveland 

Big League Chew 

An air hockey table, unplugged 

A ball 

Balloon animal that no one can figure out what animal it is 

The “th” sound. “Thhhhhhhhh” 

Milk, room temp 

Opposite of fresh limes 

Car exhaust that somehow solidifies 

A hydrangea (only right after showering) 

Cheetos Puffs 

An upside down Jabba the Hutt 

A Cootie, that toy from the 80s 

A malted milk ball 

A frog I dissected once, whose intestines were so bloated and puffed that I was allowed to sit outside for a little fresh air 

A camp pillow in the morning 

The moment right before you tap the 57 


The sound of a red wiffle ball bat making contact 

A bouncy house full of lead 


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