How To Throw Your Child The Remote Super Sweet Sixteen Party Of Her Dreams

Secure a Cameo from a celebrity who’s almost as good as Justin Bieber.
Anthony Scaramucci is $55. Kato Kaelin? Just $60! And you know your pumpkin will LOSE. HER. MIND. over Janis Joplin tribute artist Michelle Rohl. It’s basically like having Taylor Swift in your living room, except it will be in your daughter’s bedroom and it will be a cover band of an artist your older brother listened to as a middle schooler on acid.

Stock your bathroom with a basket of hairspray, tampons, and Rolos. 
This will make her feel like she’s in the bathroom at a wedding, or the sweet sixteen party she was supposed to have. 

Send wads of cash to 100 of your child’s closest friends.
Doesn’t that money booth look appealing? Unfortunately, it’s also a rich chamber of contagion. Instead, send wads of unmarked bills (your kiddo can specify the amount — just deduct it from her college fund) to 100 of her favorite people in the world. Sorry, Kelsey. You didn’t make the list.

Validate everything she says for one day only.

• “Yes, honey, god sent the pandemic just to hurt you.”
• “I, too, believe that having a virtual prom is worse than being on a ventilator.”
• “It absolutely is totally unfair that Megan’s parents are letting her throw what sounds like a Covid cesspool party and we’re not letting you go.”

Preemptively drain all your liquor bottles and fill them up with water.
This is what she would be doing if this were a real party, after all, so you’re pretty much saving her the effort.

Put her face on a giant ice cream cake.
Remember how well this went over with Jenny on Gossip Girl? She’ll especially love that photo from when she was 13 and got kale stuck in her braces.

Buy a home karaoke machine and get the whole family going.
You used to get a standing ovation with the rousing renditions of “Don’t Stop Believin’” back when you were single and frequented the K-Town clubs. Time to dust off the pipes and teach your angel a true classic! Of course, she can take a turn and sing whatever 98 Degrees tune the kids are listening to these days.

And while we’re on the topic of 98 degrees, it might be time for a temp check.

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