#5. ‘Buffalo ’66’ (1998)
This is my very favorite movie. Can’t put it at #1, though, because no one has heard of it. Also, I don’t want people thinking I go in for love stories where the man kidnaps the woman and threatens her life — at least not in my top 3.

#4. ???
I’ll come back to this one. (Why was #5 easier?)

#3. ‘The Godfather’ (1972)
Socially acceptable. Boring. No one will even see it on the list.

#2. ‘Citizen Kane’ (1941)
Greatest movie of all time. Strike that: greatest film. No one will know that I tried watching it in grad school and was so confused I put on ‘Die Hard.’ No one will ask me about it because no one has actually seen it. You can’t even rent it on iTunes.

Still, though — it’s the best!

#1. ‘Rocky’ (1976)
Well, well, well, aren’t I a saucy bitch? A sports movie at #1? This will force everyone to reconsider their opinions about jocks, about Stallone, and about me. Ensuing debates will reveal that it won the Academy Award over movies like ‘Network’ and ‘Taxi Driver.’ So it’s ballsy — and safe. What can I say? I’m a maverick. I’m a safe maverick.

Boom.

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Wait a minute. No ethnic movies? Will they think I’m racist?

#5. ‘Do the Right Thing’ (1989)
This is every white person’s dream of a Black movie. White people congratulate themselves for liking it. Black people like it. It’s edgy. It’s accessible.

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Why does the Black movie have to be #5?

My Top-5 Movies

#5. ‘Buffalo ’66’ (1998)

#4. ‘Do the Right Thing’ (1989)

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Is it obvious that I just threw one Black movie in, pushed it to the back, and then pushed it up a little?

My Top-5 Movies

#5. ‘The Godfather: Part II’ (1974)
What happened to ‘Part I’? Here’s what happened: I haven’t seen any of the ‘Godfathers.’

#4. ‘The Fugitive’ (1993)
No one doesn’t like this movie. Tommy Lee Jones? Come on. (I’ve only caught it in blips on TNT.)

#3. The Peter Sellers one about the atomic bombs . . ?

#2. ‘Do the Right Thing’ (1989)

#1. ‘Citizen Kane’ (1941)

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What about, like, Koreans? Hispanics? Native Americans?

My Top-5 (+1) Movies

(How do you like that “+1,” by the way? I guess it says a little something about me, doesn’t it? I guess I don’t go by the “rules,” do I?) (Do I?)

#6. ‘The Last of the Mohicans’ (1992)
Native Americans: check.

#5. ‘The Color Purple’ (1985) / ‘Livin’ la Vida Loca’ (1999) (tie)
Love me. Love my choices.

#4. ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ (2008)
This list will make me famous.

#3. ‘Dances with Wolves’ (1990)
Doubling down on Native American? Try and stop me.

#2. ‘Moonlight’ (2016)
Sudden turn to the avant-garde . . .

#1. ‘Citizen Kane’ (1941)
Still the best film of all time. Hey: I am one man. This is my opinion.

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Why does the white movie have to be #1? And speaking of white, what about ‘Casablanca’? And isn’t ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca,’ like, more of a song than a movie?

My Top-5 Films

#5. ’12 Years a Slave’ (2013) / ‘The Color Purple’ (1985) (tie)
Black — sort of.

#4. ‘Like Water for Chocolate’ (1992)
Thanks, Google.

#3. ‘Gandhi’ (1982) / ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ (2002) (tie)
Kiss me.

#2. ‘Beasts of No Nation’ (2015)
Forever in my queue.

#1. ‘The Joy Luck Club’ (1993)
I guess I’m sort of a saint at this point.

What? What did you call me?

“Saint”?

Ha!

Your word, not mine.

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