I will not mince words: we are in an unprecedented situation. A five-hundred pound bengal tiger has escaped from its cage. As head zookeeper, I am calling on this tiger to stop eating children and go to sleep immediately. If he doesn’t, the zookeepers fully intend to take matters into our own hands.
In the event that the tiger chooses not to go to sleep, I have suggested to the other zookeepers that we shoot the tiger with a tranquilizer gun. After we debate whether or not to use the tranquilizer gun, we will then vote as a group on whether or not the tiger should be shot, as per zoo rules.
I am fairly certain that a majority of zookeepers will see fit to forcibly tranquilize the tiger. However, before the tiger can be tranquilized, we will need at least 50% of the other tigers in the zoo to also vote to tranquilize the tiger. Several of the more moderate tigers have already come forward to say that they think that in a perfect world, the feral tiger would simply have escaped from its cage but not eaten any children. If these tigers really think we shouldn’t tranquilize their murderous friend, then they will have to say this on the record.
I want to be clear: this is not who we are. The founders of this zoo would be shocked and appalled by both this tiger’s actions and last month’s aggressive occupation of the feeding shed by the snakes. As I said during each of last year’s hippopotamus attacks: this never happens.
At any rate, I would like to reiterate––for some reason––that I am calling on the tiger to just go to sleep. He knows full well that he’s being a bad boy, but he will have a chance to make good on his actions and go back to sleep before we bring in a calmer, handsomer tiger.
We’d also like to thank Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey for finally agreeing to stop feeding the tiger cocaine. This was a very brave thing for him to do, and we applaud him for taking a stand.