A New Year’s Email From Opticheer FitWell™ Regarding Their Positivity Calendar App

Happy New Year CheerCore, 

I’m Ray Sanguine, CEO of Opticheer and if you’re receiving this email, then you have made the commitment to succeed with the new positivity calendar app. Congratulations! At Opticheer we’re elated that so many people have signed up for the New Year 365 Yay! BrightCheer Fitness Challenge. You’ve taken the first step to success by downloading the app.

This message is to help clarify some of the specific Opticheer™ language we use in the calendar function of your smartphone application. Opticheer uses wellness and positive psyche-up-ology to influence your mood clouds and break down negative feedback. By thoroughly understanding the BrightCheer™ fitness challenge vocabulary set, we can all start our journey on the same page. 

When you first log into the positivity calendar, you may notice that the word “week” does not appear on the schedule. This is not a mistake. We have omitted it. The word WEEK sounds a heck of a lot like the word WEAK. Our Opticheer Wellzsquad™ says that this is no bueno for positivity and so adios! Weeks no longer exist. Weeks are now called STRONGS.

There are 52 STRONGS in a year.

This makes sense right? OK but also, here’s a curveball: a year is not a year here, it’s actually called a CHEER.

So Actually *There are 52 STRONGS in a CHEER. 

To better illustrate how this would work in the calendar app, here’s a quick scenario: Let’s say you log in and set your spring fitness goal to: 

Run 3 DAYS a WEEK for the next 12 WEEKS in order to train for a 10K. 

Great goal right? WRONG. In order to maximize positive achievement, you would optimize your language to: 

FUN 3 YAYS a STRONG for the next 12 STRONGS in order to train for a 10K.

Can you hear how motivational that language is? Doesn’t that sound exciting? It says, “Hey you! Get off your slouch (couch) and put on your woos! (shoes) Now get outside for a 3 style fun (miles are styles, running is funning, try and keep up.)

OK next up we’ll dive into the Brightcheer™ weekday schedule:

Monday is now RUNYAY! 

Choose a direction and just start running until it gets dark. What’s in the sky? Those are bats. None of these houses look familiar? Good. Sit in that fear for a while, let it throttle you into feeling alive. 

Tuesday is now LOSEYAY! 

You don’t eat anymore on Tuesday. You lost it. It’s gone. Wave goodbye. No more Tuesday. Brightcheer™ Tip: Go to bed at 4 p.m.!

Wednesday is now CLEANSEYAY! 

Eat a cleansing bag of baby spinach for breakfast and then, as a reward, eat a whole grocery store rotisserie chicken in one sitting. Use your hands to channel paleo-you. Let the chicken hug you from the inside, like a body pillow in your stomach that’s pressing out with love. 

Thursday is now SURESYAY!

All day you have to say SURE really fucking cheery to everything. This one is still in beta-testing. 

Friday is now CRYYAY!

This is the only day when you can cry. Get it all out. 

Pop quiz, hot shot! Let’s say that you’re buying 10 personal training sessions with two bonus meditations and you’re getting the yearly bundle that comes with one free transcendental mantra. Each one of those training sessions are an hour and a half. Where do you start with the vocabulary? 

Well, it’s simple really; first, forget everything you thought you knew about time. Hours and days are out, they’re bleh, leave them behind. 

From now on HOURS=POWERS and DAYS=YAYS.

We all know that there are 24 POWERS in a YAY but In every POWER there are 60 minutes. Oops no there’s not, we scrapped “minute” because it’s a homonym for “minute,” meaning small. There’s nothing small about your success this CHEER and so “minutes” are out, from now on, you call them BIGGUMS. 

There are 60 BIGGUMS in every POWER. 

So then, you’ll have a 90 biggum training session, or you can call it a power and a half, every other yay. Easy-peezy! 

Now hold on Ray, you might be saying, what about when we’re doing Tabata training? That’s 30 seconds on then 15 seconds off. Well yes, technically there are 60 “seconds” in every minute, but we don’t like the word “second,” it implies someone else is ahead of us, which isn’t true. You are the champion of yourself this year so “seconds” are now called “FIRSTS.” 

There are 60 FIRSTS in every BIGGUM.

OK so let’s review: There are 60 FIRSTS in a BIGGUM, 60 BIGGUMS in a POWER, 24 POWERS in a YAY, 7 YAYS in every STRONG and 52 STRONGS in this CHEER. Makes sense doesn’t it? The system is simple and it guarantees maximum motivation and #stickwithitness. Never forget that this is your yay, your strong, your cheer. Don’t waste another biggum, not even another first. Now get off your slouch, lace up those woos and GET FUNNING!

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