I, Carlo Gambino, Can No Longer Support The Republican Party

by Dan Wickes

I don’t believe it is hard to say that our nation is at a crossroads. The nation we find ourselves in is one that is divided, between those that would like to preserve society and those who would like to see it wither and die. And it is for this reason that I am taking the same steps as venerated institutions like Citibank and Walmart, the Gambino Crime Family will no longer bribe members of the Republican Party.

As a guy who’s buried people, I happen to miss when this country could find common ground. People used to agree on reality, and on looking the other way while we tied cinder blocks to a man before throwing him in the Hudson River. All politicians knew what they stood for: money. But the situation has gotten out of hand. These Republicans supported a violent insurrection against our elected officials. If you’re going to kill a bunch of people to consolidate power, you better be damned sure those people are some agreed upon hateable group like Italians. They also don’t believe black people deserve a place in society. On behalf of the entire mob I’d like to say that black lives matter, as long as they stay the hell out of Local 138.

Which is why going forward the Gambino family will only be bribing Democrats. They share a set of values consistent with us, and by that I mean putting a likeable face on an absolutely disgusting criminal enterprise. They’re kind of like their own group of wise guys (and girls). As a matter of fact, my own son is currently doing business in Ukraine and I love him. I look forward to continuing communications with these people on my encrypted basement email server, all of which is perfectly legal (and even if it wasn’t what exactly are you gonna do about it?) Thank you for reading this, I need to go pay Janet Yellen a bribe–sorry, I mean “speaking fee.”

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