Tarot Card Reading Reveals Local Woman To Be Bisexual, Because Duh, She Owns Tarot Cards

This week a local woman, Hannah Goldberg, found out that she was in fact bisexual from a reading in a Tarot card shuffle. However, many have been asking, isn’t the fact that she had tarot cards at all a sign of inherent queerness? I mean nothing really makes you gay but if you obsess over Wicca in a certain way don’t you just… know?

The Tarot reading in question included cards like the empress, the high priestess, and the hanged man. If that isn’t a little gay than I don’t know what is. The empress, in Hannah’s description, was a sexy powerful woman that could “totally get it.” The high priestess, a mystical being that just oozed sex appeal. And the hanged man, “a little deserved if you ask me.”

Hannah has been a part of a Wiccan group for years and has not denied her attraction to any of the women in her group. “They’re all sexy,” said Hannah. “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still like men.” Although that is true, she was very misinformed about the fact that you could definitely be attracted to both genders and that she in fact was.

The person reading the Tarot, Abbi Bowen, was at first afraid to break the news to Goldberg, as she had before said she was “straight as an arrow” and “so straight she actually kinda hated men.” But when she finally broke the news, Hannah was relieved. “I knew I thought girls were pretty and sexy and perfect, I just didn’t think that was a bisexual thing.” Goldberg said. “It’s been a real journey of self discovery and now I feel so much more free.”

“I thought she knew,” said close friend Julia Palmer. “She has all this stuff that like, makes her seem bisexual if you know what I mean.” Palmer cited a J-Lo poster, Goop Orgasm Candles, and hiking shoes among other things that classified her dear friend as a bisexual long before the tarot reading made it official. “I mean she also kisses me on the mouth every time we say hello and every time she gets drunk so I just thought it was common knowledge.”

Hannah’s mother, Lorraine also knew that she was bisexual before even she did. “Well, she used to rub herself on the couch pillows every time The Spice Girls came on the TV, especially that Posh Spice,” said Lorraine. “And she always had a knack for crochet in a way that was way more pronounced than mine. I mean I had my experiences in college…with crochet…and it never really worked out. Just didn’t feel right to me.”

Hannah’s current boyfriend Phillip Trenthem is, “completely fine with Hannah’s sexuality.” But he secretly hopes that this means that she will be open to a three-way somewhere in the near future. When asked, Hannah said “that’s not at all what bisexuality is about.” Hannah hopes to continue her life with someone who understands bisexuality and also knows the ins and outs of a Wiccan Sisterhood.

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