Life Tips From The 16-Year-Old You Follow On TikTok

“Wear jewelry with your outfits, it’s cute!”

“NEVER talk to your crush when you’re with your friends. If you do it alone, you’ll seem more confident.”

“Don’t double text, it’s clingy.”

“Write off big expenses on your taxes to get a bigger return.”

“Exercise!”

“If the IRS comes knocking, deny everything, they can’t prove your culpability.”

“Be bold :)”

“If you need to break a car window, use the edges. The glass is strongest in the middle.”

“Don’t let people borrow your pens in class, they’ll never give them back!”

“If you eavesdrop on a confidential meeting and learn that the CEO of the company you represent is going to be indicted from accounting fraud in the next 48 hours make sure to take advantage of this by shorting 1,000 shares of the company stock because the stock price is going to plummet upon news of the indictment.”

“It’s only insider trading if you get caught.”

“Try to avoid saying ‘wyd’ all the time or you’ll come off dry AF.”

“Accept your new life of delinquency and get in with your local underground crime organization.”

“You only need one or two good friends to use as scapegoats after you accept a plea deal from the FBI and rat out the crime boss.”

“Use your police protections to slip back into the shadows. Years pass. You grow comfortable, marry, have a kid of your own. You start to regain a semblance of normalcy in your life – you even consider joining the PTA at your kid’s school. You think it’s dumb, but your wife encourages you to take on a bigger role in little Cayden’s life. You feel unbelievably lucky. All is well. But then word gets out that your old crime pal is out on bail. He’s spreading rumors about your involvement with the cops. You hear whisperings… people think you’re a rat, and you know what happens to rats. You don’t wait for the other shoe to drop. You transfer all your money overseas. You tell your wife nothing, she can’t know, they’ll use her for information. Once you’re gone, she and Cayden will be safe. God, he’s a good kid. Hopefully one day, when he’s older, he’ll see that you did this for him – everything you did was for him. Stop – you can’t get emotional now. You must focus. You flee the country in the dead of night on Christmas Eve and  start a new life abroad, abandoning everything you once knew and loved. You’re heartbroken. But there’s that small part of you – the part you’ve been trying to suppress for so long, the part molded by your years of crime – that can’t help but love the volatile nature inherent in the life of a criminal. Though you’ll miss your wife, and Cayden, and the life you left behind, deep down, you know this is the life you were always meant to lead.”

“Drink water!!!”

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