It all started with a brilliant insight: what if we created an experiential experience that allowed people to step inside a Vornado aka The Eye of the Vornado™ to feel its awe-inspiring power? Sure, it might result in a class-action lawsuit, but it would also generate millions of dollars in free publicity. Like Apple and Tesla, we believe that all disruptive ideas involve some level of risk. Sometimes that risk just happens to be non-lethal bodily injury. Which we’re okay with! As long as people talk about us on TikTok.
At first, our innovative Vornado Vision™ was wildly out of budget. But then, a stroke of luck: a global pandemic! The moment the CDC announced the existence of droplets hanging in the air, warehouse rental rates plummeted like average room temperatures do when using our products. Combined with a disenchanted nation desperate for out-of-home entertainment, we had ourselves the perfect storm– a storm with four speed settings ranging from WhisperQuiet to Turbo– a Vornado Storm™.
Of course, state laws restricting indoor gatherings were still in place, but….we just so happen to be the leading manufacturer of motherfucking AIR CIRCULATORS. Hasta la vista, droplets! So with a little elbow grease and kompromat, we were expediently approved for operation by the CDC.
Welcome to Vornado-Mania™: a mindblowing installation combining “thank god finally something to do” and tens of thousands of souped up air circulators spewing Category 3 winds.
According to the Saffir-Simpson scale, Category 3 winds have devastating speeds of 111 to 129 miles per hour. They also have the ability to uproot trees, damage framed homes, and potentially lead to significant loss of life. Here at Vornado-Mania™, you’ll find the winds are no different.
Upon entering the warehouse lobby, calmly but urgently secure yourself to one of the safety railings with a leather belt in order to refrain from being blown back out the doors through which you entered. For our movie buffs, yes, this is indeed an homage to the 1996 disaster hit, Twister, starring Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton. As you can imagine, it’s one of our favorites! Once secure, brace yourself for fifteen to twenty minutes as our staff cleans up all the clothing, hair extensions, and body piercings leftover from the previous group.
Once ready, you’ll be led into the first experience, which we prematurely dubbed “Air Jordan.” Since Nike never ended up responding to our collaboration request, we instead modeled this experience to look and feel like the beleaguered Kingdom of Jordan during the infamous War of Attrition (1967–1970). As your group wanders into our marketing ambush, you’ll be picked off, one by one, by hidden Vornado 9000X’s that have been modified to replicate the same anti-aircraft missiles used by the Soviets during the war. Except instead of heavy artillery, we’ll be pummeling you with cool, refreshing, yet dangerously powerful gusts of wind. (Pro Tip: Keep your body loose when being tossed through the air. It’ll soften the impact of your landing).
One hundred percent silent thanks to our patented QuietAction™ technology, you’ll never hear what hit you–just like how you’ll never hear a thing as the Vornado 9000X cools down your home during summer heat waves. Those who make it through this experience without sustaining serious injuries will unlock a limited time offer for 15% off their first online order (Exclusions apply. Cannot be combined with other offers).
Next up is the “Fuck You Honeywell” experience. We dumped a hundred of our competitor’s “air circulators” in a room for you to obliterate with baseball bats as we livestream the whole thing. Smash away! Those who were rendered physically impaired from the Air Jordan experience can simply yell obscenities or tweet negative brand sentiments at Honeywell using #VornadoMania #FuckHoneywell #VornadoBlowsAwayTheCompetition. Just remember to be mindful of your neighbors’ swing, as head injuries are absurdly common in this experience. Feel free to stay here for as long as you’d like, whether it’s to rage against the inferior machine or to seek medical attention (First aid available for a nominal fee).
Upon exiting, you’ll find a bit of reprieve in our security room. This is less of an immersive experience as it is a requirement from our legal department after “the incident” last week. The last thing we want is another unhinged elderly running around with a baseball bat demanding to be “let out of this hellscape.” In this experience, we’ll be patting you down for any concealed baseball bats and other weapons you may have fashioned out of Honeywell debris. Those who aren’t given the greenlight will be held for several hours to decompress, but also to serve as an impromptu focus group for an exciting new television commercial we’re producing!
Finally, your Vornado-Mania™ experience will culminate in “The Exit Through the Gift Shop,” which is both a literal gift shop and an attempt to be associated with legendary street artist(s) Banksy. Is it one guy? Multiple guys pretending to be one guy? Who knows. What we do know is that leveraging his rebellious, anti-establishment persona here is key to opening the wallets of millennials.
Here, you’ll be able to shop all your favorite Vornado air circulators. For those worried about the medical debt they’ve accrued during their Vornado-Mania™ experience, we offer a variety of alternative payment methods. For example, you can purchase the powerful V880 by leaving 80 glowing product reviews on our Amazon page. Get creative! Or you can purchase the V445 Mini by following all of our social channels and getting 445 of your closest friends to do the same. You can do it! We believe in you!
Regardless of what you take away from your fun-filled journey through Vornado-Mania™, one thing’s for sure: you’ll have a new perspective on life. Mainly because there’s a high probability you’ll be experiencing at least one symptom of COVID-19. But at least you’ll have a deep, personal connection to our brand, potentially an enduring one should you choose to pursue litigation.