Dear Esteemed Government Agency Fam Member,

Now that we have gone paperless, as you know, our esteemed government agency has soaring morale and also we can avoid the pesky expenses of paper and toner ink and also that contractor guy who only comes in on Thursdays cannot print off his horror/comedy novel-in-progress, The Jinty Skeletons of Argor. However, if you have printing needs, we still maintain and operate the printer in D419. These are the (very) easy to remember steps by which you can print off your one page document (please note that for a second page, you must navigate the friendly process on a separate occasion on a different week and day from the first request). 

1. Go to the main website and download form number 749-Jx&, which appears toward the bottom of the link on the bottom right of the page, next to the fun update about our esteemed government agency’s Ultimate Frisbee ladder link.
   
2. Fill out said form 749-Jx& (in PDF only, please). Make sure to indicate the number of your driver’s license, the name of your pet when you were in eighth grade, your maternal grandmother’s maiden name, your favorite flavor of ice cream, your gym membership identification number and the mascot of the college or university you really wanted to attend but couldn’t afford.
   
3. E-mail said form to Mason Bulwinkle (and no, he does not appreciate jokes about Rocky or Moose antlers). Before you e-mail said form to Mason Bulwinkle, however, please text him at the number listed under his name in the Personal link on the website, near the updated information about the out-of-commission bathrooms on level three (we hear they are addressing it), as he lives and works in Tahiti–as a result of his tinnitus (the state is quite generous).
   
4. Once Mason Bulwinkle has a chance to review your application and request for printing your one page document, please send the notarized (see list of recommended notary service providers on the link under “Recommended Services,” beneath the updates of the new and improved coffee station on level six) and approved 749-Jx& form to Hunter Dawson, who is one of our new interns through our partnership with Belington College. He is available on Fridays from three thirty to five thirty, although on the first Friday of the month he has rugby practice and on the last Friday of the month he visits his great aunt who lives in a facility in South Carolina which necessitates a day+ of travel. Hunter is responsive to e-mail also on Tuesdays between 7:30 and 8:30 p.m.
   
5. Now that you have received Hunter Dawson’s approval to print your one page only document–and congratulations for reaching step five!–you are set to print your one page document! Log on to your workstation and download the Printing Is Pfun app and enter the information required here to print your one page only document–this usually takes about twenty five minutes, and does include a modular quiz with a video component. You may need to update the memory on your CPU if the video feed fizzles.
   
6. Once you have completed the PIP information and quiz, please proceed to the separate esteemed government agency modular quiz with video component. This short process will only take seventeen minutes, unless you fail the quiz, in which case you do have to wait for the short period of three days before you provide another attempt (you can only fail this quiz twice–if you fail this quiz twice you will be locked out for a month, as the system assumes you are a hacker).
   
7. Once you have passed the quiz and are ready to print your one page only document, please make sure to replenish the paper supply in the printer in D419. Paper can be found in the cabinet in D918, in the back of the supply room. The punch code for the cabinet is 93984638727. This code is changed on a monthly basis, however, so if you find that the easy to remember code does not work, please e-mail Sefan Bortz, who will reply within five days’ time (he is a busy man, as you know). 
   
8. Once you have the paper, please proceed to D419, which is located next to the Emotional Support Animal Cleaning Bathroom, which is located next to the genderless locker-room, which is located next to the weightless weight room. The punch code to D419 is 987654321987654321.
   
9. Once you have replenished the paper, please return to your workstation and click GO. If your workstation halts the process as a result of a perceived bug or virus, please restart your computer and call Stefan Bortz back. You may have to return to step seven if this happens.
   
10. Once your workstation is processing the printing, you must call your supervisor to warn him or her that an authorized piece of paper will be entering your work station. Please enter the code your supervisor gives you into the box that appears on your workstation.
    
11. Please enter the code your supervisor gives you into the punch pad on the printer itself.
    
12. Once you do this you must next swipe your employee id card through the swipe access machine to the left of the printer.
    
13. You may have to recharge the swipe access machine.
    
14. Once the green light appears on the swipe access machine, your one page document should print and then you can, at that point, begin the process of returning to your workstation with your single piece of paper.
    
15. Before you begin the process of returning to your workstation, however, you must first proceed to your immediate supervisor who will inspect the one page document and make sure it meets the criteria for allowable workplace printing as designated in the modular quiz and on page 287 of the esteemed government agency’s employee handbook. Make sure to receive accredited stamp on the back of your one page document from supervisor.
    
16. Then all you have to do is take a picture of said document with said accredited stamp (this will be two images) and send the images via text message to Arlen Bornacky (his phone number is listed in the usual place) who will text you back the approval code which you can enter into your work station upon your return.
    
17. Travel back to your work station and login and enter the code that Arlen Bornacky texted to you into the PIP app (after you login to the PIP app). 
    
18. Send a screen image of the PIP approval back to Arlen Bornacky via e-mail (his e-mail is listed in the usual place).
    
19. Wait.
    
20. Receive thumbs up from Arlen Bornacky.
    
21. Enjoy your one page document and have a very nice day! If you would like to print another one page document, see step one. 

See, wasn’t that a piece of cake? We aim to please. 

Best, 
Your Friendly Esteemed Government Agency IT department.