by Amanda Gordon, Ben Wasserman and May Stearman
Wow, what a week it’s been am I right ladies? How will you be spending your earnings? I will be donating mine to a cause close to my heart, my staggering bills. Hahah I am in debt. Wait, what’s that? You didn’t invest your life savings into GameStop? You don’t really have a firm grasp on what’s going on with the stock market? How do you pay to go to Cabo with the boys? Say no more. What’s that? You haven’t said anything? Don’t worry. I can totally answer all questions you may have but haven’t asked yet because I haven’t let you speak. I’m just glad my economics degree was only mostly a bad decision.
So you’re probably wondering, “What is money and how do I get some?”
Ah women, this is a question you will no doubt ask. Money is good. The best way to get money is to be born with it and or sell recreational drugs to your boys, neither methods have downsides or repercussions in my experience as a white male. If you want to make some money on the stocks I recommend investing in stock your invisible internet friends recommend on reddit, I have been doing this all my life and it just recently paid off (not enough I am still in serious debt from my past mistakes).
Then you might ask, “What is this Robin Hood everyone keeps talking about?“
Well it’s certainly not the super hot cartoon fox if that’s what you’re wondering. Silly made up horny girl in my head. You’ve confused the Robin Hood that’s been in the news with the fictional cartoon hot fox Robin Hood. You can’t date an investing app! I have tried and it did not work. Too volatile. That’s a stock joke! You’ll get it one day. Speaking of foxes, did you know they court by screaming at each other? That’s why I am talking AT you in such a loud volume in this bar about information you did not ask me for. Anyway you can use Robinhood to make your investments, not me though I have been banned since I have lost so so much.
After that you might be wondering, “If I learn about stocks what will Men have left to talk about on first dates?’
And to that I say fear not, there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent men from explaining things to you ESPECIALLY if you already know them. On my profile it literally says “Got a great stock would love to show you.” That’s a euphemism, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? A euphemism is a show on HBO starring Zendaya. If I could I would invest in that young woman’s career but I can’t because I have lost oh so much money.
Next you might ask, “What is the invisible hand of the market and is it different from the wandering hand of your frat brother Mark?” (This is inspired by a real question I got once)
Well let me tell you they are similar in that they both involve individuals acting in self-interest to fulfill their own needs while opposing government intervention. They differ in that people care if you fuck with the market, people won’t care if you report Mark. He’s a great dude and amazing at sports. Not to mention he drives me to practice ever since I lost the car.
Deeper into the conversation/my personal monologue, you might say, “Why do short sellers have to buy back the stock to complete the deal? Why is that necessary?”
Few! Finally, a serious question and I will answer that right after I check something on my phone real quick. Ah yes ok short sellers have to buy back the stock because tall sellers were busy getting laaiddd. Hahahahah. I’m 6’ by the way, I know it may look like I’m 5’10” but that’s these boat shoes, I’m def at least 5’12. And before you ask yes we can totally smash on my boat as soon as I get it back from the debt collectors.
At the end of this in depth and beneficial (for you not me) conversation you’re going to ask, “So tell me how much have you made off the stock market” girls are nothing if not blunt and rude.
And to that I say hahaha I would love to bore you with how I’ve done in the market and how corrupt Wall St. is but that is not what this is all about. It doesn’t matter if I’ve definitely made money or definitely lost all of it and then some. It would just take a while to explain but you can trust me cause I knew about stocks before The Wolf of Wall Street came out which is a great movie. Have you seen it? Star-studded cast and phenomenal telling of a true story. We could watch it sometime if you’re free this weekend? Say dinner and movie your place? Mine is foreclosed 🙂