I’m A Small Business Owner Named Tom Nook, And I Oppose A Living Wage

Hello, everyone! Please lend me your island ears for a short time, as I have something urgent to address. Yes, yes!

It has been brought to my attention that our newly elected resident representative is proposing a guaranteed living wage for every employee of any business or enterprise, hm? Well… I’m here to tell you why that would be very, very bad for our lovely, pristine island!

As a small business owner, I am disappointed that our resident representative would propose such a careless maneuver. Don’t you know that this will severely devalue bells and lead to an increase in the price of all Nook’s Cranny merchandise? For instance, I may have to raise the price of a fishing rod from 600 bells to 675 bells! There’s honestly no way that substantially increasing the island-wide purchasing power of our residents by putting more money in their hands (paws, talons, tentacles, etc.) would be sufficient to cover that dramatic rise in cost.

Yes, yes, I know that some islands, especially the Nordic ones, pay their workers much more than a living wage, and that their fishing rods are almost the same price as ours. That logic doesn’t apply here. No, I won’t explain why.

This is a dangerous gambit, dear islanders! Should this policy be implemented, I’m afraid that our resident representative may propose even more tyrannical measures in the future, such as a universal bell income, or worse, cooperative public housing for all islanders. If the latter comes to pass, how will I keep all of you under the ironclad subjugation of mortgage debt, hm? Surely, you don’t want Isabelle to have a home outside of our town hall, where she’s been trapped 24 hours a day, seven days a week, since the day she manifested onto our island?

I’m also a firm believer in child labor, and my adopted nephews, Tommy and Timmy, have never protested this. In fact, they’re happy to work at my shop, get paid in “experience,” and retrieve the murderous tarantulas and decomposing sea bass you leave in the drop-off box every day for the rest of their little lives. Aww!

Understand this: if a living wage is mandated then many, many jobs will either be lost to workers on faraway Chinese islands, or eliminated altogether. How would you feel if I had to fire Tommy and take away his little flag? Yes, yes, I bet you’d feel pretty bad about it!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: some jobs are simply stepping stones, not careers. Not all jobs deserve a living wage! I encourage you to seek out a career, as I have, and not low-skill jobs, like a burger-flipper or porcupine seamstress. On this exotic, sprawling island with no education system, a punishingly mindless economy, and a max capacity of 10 residents, the demand for skilled labor is bountiful for anyone willing to work hard enough. I founded Nook, Inc., with just a dream, the shirt off my back, imperialism-like motivations, and many connections to construction and real-estate empires. Be like me.

I understand there is no way for you to make money on this island besides plundering it like a colonized state for its flora, fauna, ores, and natural resources, but why punish a self-made Tanuki such as myself for it? Ever since the day you arrived, when I plunged you into a near-limitless debt, I have supported you and ensured your comfort and safety — at a measured price. This is not a proper thanks!

Anyways, that’s all from me. Time for you all to get out there and enjoy your day. Yes, yes!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s