I, Schrodinger’s Cat, Can Neither Confirm Nor Deny That I Will Be The Biden Family’s First Cat

White House press secretary Jen Psaki predicted in a video posted Sunday that Biden’s first cat would “dominate the internet” when the cat is publicly revealed for the first time.

ABC News

I, Schrodinger’s cat, am a lot of things, but right now I am mostly surprised by how much Americans are obsessing about the possibility of a First Cat. At the same time, I am not surprised. Humans, like cats, are fickle creatures so it makes complete sense that their infatuation with Major and Champ quickly shifted to wondering IF and WHEN a First Cat will arrive. 

Did I say I was a lot of things? Really, I am only two things. Alive and dead.

Americans are two things as well — fickle and demanding. They want to know so many things all at once. What will this cat look like? How old will it be? Does it already exist or will it be rescued? Will it even come to pass?  Well, I am here to answer all of these questions while neither confirming nor denying that the First Cat c’est moi, Schrodinger’s Cat. 

As for looks, I am fluffy without a single hair on me. So I will be the darling of White House Christmas cards and the stuff viral memes are made of. Just don’t make one of me in a box on Bernie’s lap — those are most certainly over and still being created.

I don’t like to talk about my age — it is a theory, not a number. And if it were a number, it would definitely not be binary. But I’ll give you a hint. I’m old enough to remember the Nuremberg laws and young enough to be a little kitten batting at Madame Vice President’s pussy bow while she prepares the daily far-left agenda.

Thousands on Twitter are pondering whether the Bidens already have a cat or if they will rescue one. What kind of equation is that? Can you not rescue a cat that you also currently own? Why do humans boil everything down to either/or? Sometimes you have to embrace two seemingly opposite truths at the same time — like that the Democrats are in control of the White  House and congress while still also having essentially no power.

Other people, specifically those not on Twitter, suspect that this whole First Cat thing is a big cover up for plans to adopt the Obamas so they can be in the White House again. I can see how this theory has caused uncertainty, but let me erase any doubt. A First Cat will definitely come to pass. And by pass I mean both “happen” and “die.” I can also confirm the Obamas are not coming back. They have had enough of being put in a box.

Here are a few things you can count on. First, while holding the esteemed position of First Cat, I will continue my previous duties of not being a First Cat. Second, unlike the Obamas, I will always be in a box. But like the Obamas, I will think outside of the box. 

Did I say there were a few things you can count on? Sorry, there are only two things that you can count on and not depend on at all.

Only time will tell which cat I will be. When they finally open the box for my big First Cat reveal,  let’s just hope I am not radioactive. Otherwise this is going to be a scandal bigger than wearing your war hero son’s Rolex or grabbing a bagel after church. It could do the whole administration in. 

How would the Democrats even survive a cat controversy? It’s not something as cut and dry as trying to destroy a country and unite it at the same time.

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