Thank You For Submitting Your Health Insurance Claim, Humpty Dumpty

Thank you for submitting your insurance claim, Mr. Dumpty. Unfortunately, the significant medical costs incurred due to your “great fall” are not covered by your BlueCrossNoAidInhumana HMOplan. Below is a detailed explanation of your health benefits as it relates to each claim filed, which to reiterate, do not cover any of the resulting costs of what your plan categorizes as a “hilarious tumble.”

Claim: Mr. Dumpty sat on a wall
Explanation of Benefits:
BlueCrossNoAidInhumana does not cover pre-existing conditions. As your condition prior to falling was sitting idly on a large wall, twelve feet off the ground without any back support, we cannot cover any medical costs incurred. Additionally, your other pre-existing condition of being born an extremely fragile, raw egg further aggravated your injuries. Therefore, BlueCrossNoAidInhumana is not responsible for the exorbitant costs associated with attempting to put you back together again. For future reference, hard-boiled, soft-boiled, and poached are pre-existing conditions your plan sometimes covers—if the claims adjuster is hungry.

Claim: Mr. Dumpty had a great fall
Explanation of Benefits:
According to our records Mr. Dumpty, you have not met your annual deductible of $375,000. In order for your plan to cover medical costs incurred from your hilarious tumble, the total expense would need to be at least that amount or more. The total sum of your medical bills is $374,999.99. Therefore, BlueCrossNoAidInhumana is not responsible. Perhaps, Mr. Dumpty, it would have been beneficial for you to have taken a few more violent falls earlier in the year.

Claim: All the King’s Horses and All the King’s Men
Explanation of Benefits:
“All the King’s Horses and All the King’s Men” are out of network, and do not accept BlueCrossNoAidInhumana. Though you did not specifically call upon all the All King’s Horses and All the King’s Men to respond to your accident, they witnessed your hilarious tumble and acted accordingly. It is the patient’s responsibility to seek out medical care in-network, even if said patient is broken into thousands of little pieces. For future reference, the Queen’s Donkeys, the Prince’s Boys, and all Kaiser hospitals are in-network.

Claim: Couldn’t put Mr. Dumpty together again
Explanation of Benefits:
Understandably Mr. Dumpty, the trauma you’ve suffered from your hilarious tumble is no doubt signifciant, but under no circumstances are any mental health providers covered by BlueCrossNoAidInhumana. Therefore, all subsequent sessions with your therapist are not covered. Perhaps you would like to check out free mental health services. Not from us—we don’t have those. Just in general!

Provider charges: $374,999.99
Patient responsibility: $374,999.99

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