I went from being a 29-year-old unemployed white dude with an MFA in Theatrical Philosophy to a 29-year-old white dude working as his fiancée’s assistant. If I can do it, so can you. Here are ten easy steps to getting a job working for Ms. Brenda Shay.
Step 1: Get on Bumble and look for a white woman with glasses that likes riding horses and is preferably named Brenda Shay. Make sure she works as a co-producer on a major late night show. If you’re unsure, work it into your opening message seamlessly by writing “ARE YOU A CO-PRODUCER ON A LATE NIGHT SHOW?”
Step 2: Get Brenda to fall in love with you by taking her to the hospital on your third date after she eats shellfish, getting VIP passes to a Taylor Swift concert because your cousin works for her, and never taking her dad’s side. The last one is crucial. You have to remember that he looks like James Bond, but despite the tuxedo events and guns, he isn’t.
Step 3: Do this thing in bed that makes her say “Wow! Hot dog! Yeehaw!” I feel it’d be unprofessional to go into detail, but if you took five years of adult gymnastics classes and two years of stage combat, it shouldn’t be hard to figure out.
Step 4: Make sure you have a lot of debt and then talk about it often with her. Say things like, “I wish I could take you to Paris, but I’m trying to pay back the quarter of a million dollars I owe for my degree, the five grand I owe on my credit card, and the two grand I owe our dealer.” If you’re with the right Brenda, one day you’ll wake up and have no debt because she paid it all off (even your dealer!). Ugly cry for an hour while thanking her between sobs, offer to buy her something expensive, then ugly cry again because buying nice things is what got you into debt in the first place.
Step 5: Get really into making little dog figurines out of clay and glass. Like, really into it. To the point where everyone worries about you, and when you come back from the bathroom at brunch, everyone looks at you in a way that clearly indicates they were just talking about you and your tiny, tiny dogs.
Step 6: Surprise Brenda one day by somehow selling all your dogs and making enough to buy an engagement ring. Tell her that she’s the love of your life, and that you’ll punch her dad out to prove it. When she says, “why not start with getting a job?” have a big fight that doesn’t end with anyone saying, “wow” or “hot dog.”
Step 7: Get drunk and return home to her warmly embracing you and saying, “I can’t believe you sent me a horse at work.” Pretend like you know what she’s talking about until you get to the bathroom. Look at your bank account and see a Drake-level of excessive spending that says “Horse-pending withdrawal.”
Step 8: Try to get a job. Really try. But somehow don’t succeed at it. It may sound weird, but if you want to be my fiancée’s assistant, you can’t get a job.
Step 9: While getting high at home and watching The Proposal, get a call from Brenda asking you to come in for an interview. After putting on the Tom Ford suit she bought you and told you to wear, print out the resume labeled “Scott, print this for our interview today–Brenda.” Go to the interview and get the job you were born to have. Use the urine sample Brenda left in the fridge to pass the drug test.
Step 10: If these steps seem too hard or specific, you could always just be a friend or relative of myself or Brenda. Even if you just lie and say you know us, that’ll probably get you a job being my assistant or something.