I’ll be honest, when the demon Nuzazeth entered my body, infusing my entire being with his dark essence and vile wickedness, I had mixed feelings about the whole affair.

On the one hand, I’d achieved something no other human had ever done, I’d touched the ethereal plane, I’d communed with a being of power beyond comprehension.

On the other hand, I had given up my body to become a vessel of pure evil.

But, you know, what they don’t tell you about demon possession is quite how much you can get done.

On that first morning, I went to the store for juice and fresh croissants, did a thirty-minute hot yoga session, and activated the Ng’othix amulet to open a trans-dimensional portal. All before breakfast! Normally it’s all I can do to pour a cup of coffee.

I’ve decluttered my apartment, repainted the bathroom, completed my taxes, started a journal, finished Queen’s Gambit, drugged and chained up a virgin sacrifice in the basement, and taken up calligraphy.

I suppose one of the reasons for this burst in productivity is that Nuzazeth no longer lets me sleep, which frees up an awful lot of time for stalking the streets fulfilling Nuzazeth’s foul desires and doing online banking.

And despite the physical toll Nuzazeth’s presence is having on my body – the skin sloughing off, the abject stench – the feeling of achievement is something I’m really starting to savour.

Have you ever marched unchallenged into a board meeting of the third-largest corporate conglomerate on the planet, harnessed ancient mystical powers to dominate the minds of everyone present and commanded them to set in motion events that will ultimately create a new age of demons and gods?

I have. And I still got home in time to call Mom before dinner.

It’s not just productivity either. I’m much more assertive now, if someone pushed in front of me in a queue in the past then I’d just tut quietly or roll my eyes. Not anymore. When someone did that to me yesterday, I followed him home, broke into his kitchen and eviscerated him where he stood.

Let’s talk about stress. I used to worry about everything – my health, my job, my Mom – all of that just seems really trivial now, what with all of humanity set to be enslaved in the grinding pit of-

But no, can’t say too much about that. Not yet.

The whole ‘being possessed’ thing, though? Terrific. Really great. I would thoroughly recommend it.

I mean, not for you, obviously. It’s a bit too late for you now, isn’t it?

Are those straps alright? Not too tight? Not chafing at all? Good. That’s good. No need for too much discomfort.

Now, when the knife plunges into your chest, I’m not going to lie, it will smart a little. But that will pass soon enough and then you can take comfort in the fact that your soul with be sustenance for great and glorious Nuzazeth.