[Disclaimer: Mitch McConnell’s daughter was my first and second grade teacher at a Waldorf School in Upstate New York from 2001-2003. While I have embellished on her inner monologue, this ode is based in truth. Furthermore, my understanding of Waldorf education is completely based on the school I attended and its dogmatic approach to Rudolf Steiner’s pedagogies. There are potentially many benefits to practicing these pedagogies but, as with any kind of radical thinking, some bitches be crazy.]
DO introduce your students to math with a myth about dancing math gnomes.
DON’T let your students listen to pop music. Censor artists such as Destiny’s Child, NSYNC, Christina Aguilera, The Spice Girls, Britney Spears, and ESPECIALLY The Dixie Chix.
DO spend a lot of time outdoors (bundle up in winter!)
DON’T teach your students how to read until they lose their baby teeth. When they have lost their baby teeth it means their souls are ready to be penetrated by education.
DON’T use computers.
DON’T let your students go to the bathroom if you are in the middle of a story about the dancing math gnomes. It is not your fault if they pee their pants.
DON’T encourage competition.
DO let your students physically fight each other during Free Time (i.e. recess).
DO confiscate Ella’s Mickey Mouse wrist watch. Children should not know how to tell time and Disney characters are demons.
DO use natural materials from nature to make art, like beeswax, sticks, leaves and dead insect carcasses!
DO discourage your students parents from reading them satanic children’s fiction, such as Harry Potter. (See appendix FF of School Handbook for list of banned books.)
DO give each student individual attention.
DO send Luis, that ginger kid with a bowl cut, back to kindergarten for the day when he plays the disruptive role of class clown. This might sound like an evasion of responsibility but it will teach Luis that he is not yet mature enough to handle first grade.
DO nurture artistic expression.
DO erase Zoe’s watercolor painting (with the spare natural sea sponge you keep in your desk) when she does not follow your explicit instructions to copy the painting you did in front of the class while also telling a story about the dancing math gnomes. She knew she was supposed to paint trees not flowers. Little bitch.
DO remind Zoe’s Mother, when she is outraged you “ruined” her daughter’s artwork, that students must learn from the Master first. And YOU are The Master.
DON’T smile at your students. Ever.
DO bring students to the back of the Free Time line when they are being unruly. Remember to hold students’ hands so they stay by your side (it is most effective if you squeeze the hand until it goes numb).
DO paint your classroom a soft red color to celebrate the fiery and energetic spirit of your students.
DO strap Zoe to her chair, with the spare belt you keep in your desk, when she does not stay seated during another story about the dancing math gnomes. (School will provide belt.)
DO ask Father to donate money to the school (especially if you suspect he is the reason you were hired in the first place).
DON’T encourage vaccinations. If needed, provide a list of school approved Naturopaths.
DO bring out your Old Wizard Man Puppet when you inevitably lose control of the class and follow these instructions:
Step 1: Stick your hand up Old Wizard Man Puppet.
Step 2: Bring OWMP up to your ear and act like he is whispering to you.
Step 3: Imagine he is threatening to shoot up the classroom if “these dumb little poopy cunt faces don’t shut the fuck up” (his words, not yours).
Step 4: Weep real tears.
Step 5: Tell the class that OWMP is very angry and they must stop being bad children otherwise bad things will happen.
Though your students might laugh at you and continue disrupting, try this tactic again. It might work next time!
DO keep an eye on the Jews.
DO tie Luis to his chair (with the spare rope you also keep in your desk) and leave him alone in the classroom during Free Time if he has hit another student, and by hit another student I mean hit another student when I did not say it was OK to hit another student. **Helpful tip** Also tie Luis’ hands behind his back so he can’t untie himself. (School will provide rope.)
DO call Luis and Zoe’s parents’ to come pick them up when they steal the classroom crayons, jump out the window and run away from you. Make sure to physically restrain Ella from jumping out after them.
DO refuse to resign when the parents come for you with their metaphorical torches and pitchforks. The school will back you on this (probably because they still want Father to donate money).
DON’T use black or brown crayons, for obvious reasons.
DO flee to England when parents inevitably go to the press about your teaching methods and, because Father is a state senator and future Senate Majority Leader, the newspapers will eat this story up. Write an apology to save face if you must.
DO download “Ready to Run” by The Dixie Chicks to your iPod for the flight.
DO start a blog about the dancing math gnomes.