Oh Em Gee, I’m so glad you were free for a quick coffee! I can’t believe we haven’t spoken since high school! It’s like, so sad. We were like besties, right? At times? Well what can I say, life just gets so crazy — the rat race never ends!

See, I knew you’d agree! Girlie, I used to be just like you – working 9 to 5 at an office job, living for the weekends, and wondering what life was all about. But then, I took a chance on an amazing business opportunity, and now I get to be my own boss and make my own schedule — all while being a stay-at-home mama!

Pardon? Okay sure, so I don’t “have any kids,” but the point is I’m CEO – excuse me, SheEO – of my own life, living it with passion and purpose. And I know it’s so random, but I just love the positive energy that I’ve been seeing from you on socials and think you’d be the perfect boss babe for my team!  

What kind of team? Let me tell you a little bit about this amazing product that I’m super excited bout. Trust me, it’s something you’re going to use every. Single. Day. It basically sells itself! It’s called Waxitos – a premium line of edible candles. With over 40 yummy flavors, we no longer need to stop at JUST smelling candles! Finally, right!? And I’m only $800 dollars away from a $50 bonus so–

Oh, not your vibe? No worries! Being the fem-entrepreneur that I am, I actually have multiple brands that I’m super proud to represent. Like Purractive, a first-class skincare system for cats and feminine dogs. I have a special offer for the first 20 lady bosses who are ready to join my squad and I’ll add on our whisker lift for–

You don’t have any pets? You’re kidding, I could have sworn I saw some posts of you and an adorable pug! Oh, that’s your daughter? Your human daughter? Oh sheesh, then you’d obvi be the perfect lady leader for Babylleine, a high-end makeup line for babies and youthful toddlers. The products are made from all-natural ingredients and not tested on animals — just babies! My mentor – excuse me, womantor – says it has unlimited income potential and–

What’s that, wifey? You’re insulted? Babies don’t need makeup? Queen, it’s not just about that! It’s about uplifting, empowering – excuse me, fempowering — and inspiring babies to be the bad ass babes they were born to be! And, not to flex, but I just earned a spot in the VIP retreat this year, as long as I pay for my own flights and airfare to–

Sorry? You want to change the subject? Of course! So, I’m sure you’ve heard of Poopsi, an all-natural detox tea that helps to reduce bloating and digestion of any food? And shhhh, this will be our little secret, but I also represent their direct competitor, Choke-A-Cola. Closes the throat right up! It’s only $3000 to register and they won’t take credit card—

Sounds risky? Ah, so you’re a Debbie Doubter! But I promise, my businesses are different. Like Money Pits, a customizable line of arm pit jewelry, that’s clearly a–

Scam? Hunny-bun-bun no, this is NETWORK. MARKETING. But, I do actually represent Scam – a line of premium organic scented hams. Because who wants ham that smells like ham, you know? Yucky! And let me tell you, Scam is more than a business, it’s a sisterhood. Me and my scambabes–

Wait! Don’t go! I thought you were ready to change your life! What? Babesicle, of course I’m making money! But there’s always a transition period, and it’s like my womantor says, you get what you put into it. So that means one day soon I should be getting back like, 100k! Huh? Sure, at times I may miss my reliable salary and enviable health benefits, especially when I had to get all those root canals which – I’m legally obligated to tell you – cannot definitively be proven to have been caused by Waxitos. But, it’s like my lady coach says and also shouts are our cultsultant – excuse me, CONSULTANT – meetings: side hustles are the new 401K! MLMs are the new stock markets! A savings account is just money waiting to be spent!

A pyramid scheme? Angelcakes, why didn’t you say so! I am indeed a consultant for Pyramid Scheme – a board game that’s as time consuming as Monopoly and as hilarious as Cards Against Humanity. Well, if you laugh on the inside. I’ve got over 2,000 in inventory and can offer you a bomb discount if you take them all off my hands and —

HUN WAIT!

Fine! Rejection is direction! But please, just one last thing!

Can you maybe…pay for these coffees?