Pfizer’s 95% Effective Guided Meditation

Take a deep breath. Touch your finger to your nose. Touch your other finger to your nose. Now take away both fingers and lightly pinch your ears. Visualize the stars. Picture, looming in this endless cosmic ether, a blue Pfizer logo, because this is a branded meditation.

Pfizer. Now you’re meditating.

Don’t forget to focus on your breathing. Gently pull your ears out from your head so they look like big monkey ears. Puff your cheeks and mutter “Pfizer.” This is your mantra.

Open your mouth scary wide and stick out your tongue. Can you reach your nose? Can you probe your nostrils? Depending on your comfort level and the length of your tongue, keep going and stick your tongue way inside your nasal cavity. Taste anything? A virus maybe? Hopefully not. Let the calmness wash over you.

Get up and walk to the kitchen. Fill a bowl with pickles, almonds, and three heaping tablespoons of Pfizer’s Bold Flavors Party Dip. The actual flavor doesn’t matter—Crawdad Spelt, Peach Rangoon, Muenster Amaretto—as long as it’s from Pfizer’s Bold Flavors product line.

Rival dips from Moderna, Johnson & Jonhson, or AstraZeneca might smell alright and even give you a fair crack at clarity and focus. Just make sure you’ve been hoarding toilet paper if you go with a challenger brand. Also, are those dips 95 percent effective? Don’t think so. When it comes to inner peace and a silky smooth mouthfeel, Pfizer is the primo choice. Check the data.

Got your ingredients in the bowl? Good. Whisk the concoction and transfer it five times into increasingly massive containers until you’re left with a teeny-weeny dollop in a crystal chakra singing bowl the size of a bathtub.

Sit in the tub and take another breath, but this time breathe into your belly. There should be no air in your lungs, only your belly. This is called gut breathing. If you aren’t advanced enough to breathe with your stomach instead of your lungs, that’s fine. Try to keep up.

Imagine your inner voice with a stereotypical backwoods accent, like a clumsy sheriff or a laughing, hopping moonshiner slapping his knee with his flimsy hat. Take a deep breath and this time bring the air into your calves. As you inhale, feel your calves inflate.

Now, in your mind, in your gosh-golly hick voice, recite the following limerick:

There once was a pharmaceutical corporation from Brooklyn
Whose dick was so long he could suck it

Okay, that’s not a whole limerick. It’s two lines that don’t rhyme, and it’s kind of dirty, but it should put you in the right headspace. And that headspace is universal gratitude for Pfizer.

If your mind has wandered, bring your awareness back to the tip of your nose. Wiggle your nose like a rabbit. Hold your hands up to your chest and twiddle your fingers like little bunny paws.

Give yourself warm, supportive thoughts. You are now connected to an elevated vibrational plane, but your journey is incomplete. You’re at about 90 percent. For peace of mind and to get full 95 percent efficacy, wait three weeks and run through this meditation again. Buy some more dip and take it from the top.

Until then, remain in the tub.

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