March is National Celery Month! We know what you’re thinking: “Thirty-one days? But I only have twenty-two ideas for fêting celery! What’ll I do on the other days?” Don’t worry because we, the enthusiastic founders of National Celery Month, have culled our 9 best ideas to help you properly celery-brate.
1. Hone Your Survival Skills: Anyone can start a fire with dry wood, but come the apocalypse, everyone will be fighting over twigs while celery, as usual, gets overlooked. Start trying to make a fire with two celery sticks on March 1st. See if you can overcome the 95% water content and have sparks flying by the end of the month.
2. Namaste Properly Hydrated: Leave the designer water bottle at home the next time you work out and hydrate more humbly with celery. Your yoga classmates will love the good vibrations from your crunching as they peacefully chant their ohms.
3. Say it All with a Celery Bouquet: As a health food that evokes mild nausea, nothing says “in sickness and in health” like celery, so why not choose celery for your March wedding bouquet? Already married? Say “I love you” AND “you need more dietary fiber” with a winsome celery arrangement.
4. Hot Potato but Better: The traditional game of hot potato is carb-heavy and low stakes. Play with celery instead! Heat a bundle of celery in the microwave then pass it to music. Anyone caught with the bundle as the music stops must devour a celery stick as the others point and laugh. Only the last person avoids warm celery strings in their teeth.
5. Doggie-Style: Your doggo is tired of the same old sticks, so toss the little scamp some celery instead. Here’s the thing: although dogs aren’t generally very discerning, they draw the line at celery, so soak the celery sticks in pungent wet dog food first. Spread the love by leaving some Purina gravy-soaked celery sticks on your dog-owning neighbors’ porches.
6. The Ultimate Party Favor: Have you ever thought: “Piñatas are fun, but I wish the treats inside were stringier”? Make an exciting piñata filled with different sized celery sticks. As a bonus game, pop the blindfold back on to see who can taste the difference between the papier maché and the celery.
7. Whimsical Celery Craft #1: Cut, glue, and hang celery sticks together to make wind chimes. Are celery wind chimes melodious? No. But are they pretty? Also no.
8. Whimsical Celery Craft #2: Maybe a month was a reach, and we should have started with National Celery Week. Anyway, you can also try making a celery teepee to add more crunch to your cultural appropriation.
9. Help Spread the Gospel of Celery with the Stick in a Box Challenge: For some reason, celery doesn’t have eggplant’s sexy reputation. Let’s change that with the stick in a box challenge. Step one: cut a hole in a box. Step 2: put your erect celery strap-on in the box. Step 3: make him or her open the box. Record the whole thing for TikTok. Celery is a powerful anti-viral (we think?), but this National Celery Month, let’s make it go viral!