Chatbot: How can I help you today?

Me: Missing item.

Chatbot: I see that you’d like to write a glowing review of Amazon’s customer service. Awesome to hear that, Pookie! I can provide a thesaurus for adjectives like “stunning,” “elegant,” and “so human-like.”

Me: No. Missing item.

Chatbot: Okay. You’re inquiring about a missing item. Is this the item you’re missing?

Puppy harness, 20-30 lbs., ordered July 7, 2007.

Me: No. That dog died three years ago.

Chatbot: Oh! That must have been sad. My condolences. 

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Are you inquiring about size 8 women’s athletic shoes?

Me: Yes.

Chatbot: Our records indicate that your item was delivered on January 25, 2021.

Me: It wasn’t.

Chatbot: Sorry to hear that, Kiddo. Our records indicate that the package was left under the elephant and squirrel topiary next to your statue of Franklin Delano Roosevelt outside your window, where you are growing some sad-looking basil and geraniums. 

Me: I…don’t have any of those decorations anywhere nearby. 

Chatbot: Oh! That’s too bad, Girlfriend. Have you checked with your neighbor, Suzanne, the one whose boyfriend you kissed after a bottle of Malbec at her 2019 new year’s party, not realizing he was her boyfriend? Who filed a 311 noise complaint against you for your vibrator being too loud? Maybe she has it.

Me: I’m…not going there. How do you know that?

Chatbot: 😉 

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You guys should patch things up.

Me: Um. Can you just work on my sneakers?

Chatbot: I can issue you a refund or send a replacement. Please type “Show me the money, Slugger!” or “Please replace my items.”

Me: Please replace my items.

Chatbot: Will do, Sister!

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We regret to inform you that size 8 women’s athletic shoes are no longer in stock. We can replace it with one of the following similar products:

1. M&Ms – Pretzel – 12 pk.

2. Kitten, age 1 year, named “Vicious”

3. Lisa Frank® Unicorn Sticker Set

4. Your parents’approval

5. DIY egg-freezing kit

Please make a selection or specify “None” if you would like a refund.

Me: None.

Chatbot: Are you sure you don’t want option #5? You seem single.

Me: Yes.

Chatbot: Okay. As a reminder, clock’s a tickin’!

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Would you like your refund to be issued to the original method of payment or Jeff Bezos’ pocket? Say “I’m boring” or “Help Jeff buy something pretty for his gf!” (Alternatively, you may type “Assist Jeff with legal fees against his gf’s brother!”)

Me: I’m boring.

Chatbot: Shnookums, you sure are.