– The HERO is just a simple guy living his life. It’s the world that’s upside down, reframed by an unnecessary plot device. The hero is so good at navigating the plot device that he figures out how to bone every eligible woman from the mouthy waitress to the skeptical cougar. But he is not happy. 

– The hero has a bad girlfriend. She is bad because she is not as attuned to his needs as she should be. This character used to be brunette, but now she is blonde.

– In fact, all of the female characters fall into two groups: (1) dumb/annoying, because they have expectations and want things from the hero and (2) THE SIDEKICK, who is cool because she drinks beer. 

– The sidekick is an uncomplicated, effortlessly beautiful woman who is also trapped in the plot device. She can perform any activity or sport with expert skill. She is the girl, but she is not an object ogled from afar. She is a buddy who might be down to bone because she and the hero made out until they were interrupted by the unnecessary plot device. 

– Presence of gratuitous Hawaiian shirts. 

– A candy bar or comic book is used as an analogy for the meaning of life, which causes the sidekick to reveal that life didn’t turn out how she expected either. Read: She is lonely and probably down to bone.

– The hero says something crass and the sidekick helps him identify his feelings, mainly his father issues. Immediately after which they notice the night sky. Read: The hero is sensitive and romantic.

– The sidekick initiates sex because of #metoo, but the hero’s personal obstacle gets in the way. Read: Delay bone for better bone. The hero pushes the sidekick away. 

– The sidekick thoughtlessly puts her life in danger, but at the last minute she is rescued by the hero, who is injured by her impulsive act. He calls her a child or a whore, used interchangeably. She calls him a loser. He one-ups her by revealing that they’ve already boned, but she doesn’t remember because of a ridiculous case of mistaken identity, amnesia, alcohol or the unnecessary plot device. 

– The hero confesses to his token diversity friend who appears in the film twice that he really misses the sidekick. In fact, he LOVES HER. OMG. It is amazing that he is still standing after reducing himself to utter these words.

– Presence of gratuitous cocaine.

– The unnecessary plot device really works overtime as the hero ventures into a black hole, time loop, or wormhole. You’ve seen this scene before: the hero visits his father, who is now peaceful and completely satisfied with life. As they chitchat, the father tells him a cringey story about how he became a dad which is completely glossed over by the image of adorable children. Then the father makes a disparaging comment about the sidekick, who the hero defends. 

– The sidekick faces up to her past indiscretions. She gets smart or fit, one or the other but it can’t be both. There is a montage.

– The sidekick explains how they can escape the unnecessary plot device with jargon that is indecipherable, but because of #womeninscience SHE SOLVES IT. The hero says I love you. He is scared to face the plot device, but the sidekick convinces him with her strength but really with his strength. 

– The whole time the hero and the sidekick have been wearing the same outfits. Hers is a formal dress with high heels that she inexplicably wore during physical feats. 

– Presence of gratuitous explosions.

– The hero and the sidekick prepare to exit the plot device, now feeling sentimental toward the quirky characters, one of whom is revealed to be the hero’s biological father. Read: Life is messy.

-Throughout the film you’ve heard whispers of the screenwriter’s voice in the sidekick’s mouth. All caution is thrown to the wind when she drops a Your Mom joke. Read: She is ready to bone. 

– Since the sidekick is still by the hero’s side in the last scene or two, he decides that hey, she’s stuck around for so long maybe I’ll give that bone another shot. The sidekick says I love you before they confront the dangerous plot device. Will they survive? Does anyone care at this point? Has the screenwriter’s overt effort to make you care blocked your ability to care?  

– It’s a new day. The hero and the sidekick wear the same outfits, but we can’t tell if they’re free of the plot device. The hero makes an inane comment that proves they are free of it. Slowly, the sidekick gets it. She lags a beat behind because even though it’s 2021 we still have a long way to go.