Salutations, it is I, the man who read a philosophy textbook once. I need you to know that I am so, so smart. My SAT verbal score was incredible. Just stupendous. I can’t share it because it would make you blind with jealous rage and then you wouldn’t be able to read my opinions. Plus, it’s more effective to demonstrate my rare brand of genius with giant words. A mere SAT score is not nearly as impressive as owning your college buddy’s ex-girlfriend with tremendous words on social media.
There is simply no other way for me to communicate my laudable intelligence with the world. How would anyone appreciate my genius if I don’t use a photo of your toddler in a Cinderella costume as an opportunity to reveal Disney as the Marxist indoctrination tool it is? I have considered publishing my memoirs, but Mother says the world is not ready for my brilliant musings. She’s right of course, which is why I dole out my highly intellectual opinions in bite-sized Facebook comments of 800 words or less.
Several of my high school classmates have stopped responding to me online. I’m never sure if it’s because the cretins are in shock from my big words, or if my airtight logic regarding the epistemological issues in The Mandalorian changed their entire worldview and they are in the throes of an existential crisis. It doesn’t really matter. At the end of the day, all that matters is that I can use big words.
As I was saying, I am a genius, and you can tell by the very long and impressive words I use. You haven’t lived until you’ve thrown around the word perlocutionary in a Facebook comment. It’s okay if you had to Google that. It’s impossible for another human to possess the amount of intelligence and wit I command. You know that song from Hamilton about being the smartest person in the room? That was written about me. Lin-Manuel Miranda saw my plethora of erudite opinions online and was inspired to pen a rousing musical number. It means a lot for the king of words per minute to acknowledge that I am still the master of size and complexity.
I cannot let something I disagree with on the internet slide because I might spontaneously combust. It would be selfish of me to allow that to happen and deprive my cousin’s coworker’s mom of my percipient observations. Letting her puppy photo exist in cyberspace without sparking a debate over the correct interpretations of art would be insane.
Some say I am doing God’s work. That is a bit hyperbolic, but it does take tremendous bravery to use big words online. Just like God, I am both omnipotent and invisible. You can’t see me through the computer, but you can sense my omnipotence through my stunning commentary on every meme in your Facebook feed.
I will be here waiting to share my opinion with big, huge, impressive words on anything you share. You are so lucky you have Google so that you don’t have to look all of them up in a dictionary. That would be an embarrassing waste of time.