How Cancel Culture Has Ruined My Life: A Statement From A Famous Comedian

Greetings Fans (or Cancelers), 

That’s right it’s me. Didn’t think you would hear from me after I was canceled right? Well that’s not how being canceled works. I don’t actually have to go away or be held accountable by any measurable standard, but that doesn’t mean I’m not upset about it. In fact it’s ruined my life. 

Being cancelled is the worst thing that can ever happen to a person. Trust me, I’m a student of History Channel documentaries, and throughout mankind’s history we have never shown ourselves capable of doing more harm to another person than cancelling them. I’d compare what I’m going through to more specific genocides perpetrated by famous dictators but then you’d all get your pitchforks and sick’em on me again. 

My publicist had me release a Notes app apology! Do you know how embarrassing that is? And because I care about inclusivity (even though I also have a tight 45 on how it’s bullshit, check out I’m Sorry if You’re Offended, but You Should Go Fuck Your Feelings: The Left is Just as Bad–Live and Indoors With a Maskless Audience released as part of my new three-special deal at Netflix) I posted a version of the apology in the Android Notes app–which makes it even more embarrassing. 

I used to sell out stadiums in major cities like Philadelphia, New York, and Chicago. That’s tens of thousands of dollars a night. Now? Due to my cancellation I’m only selling out multiple nights at theaters in places like Allentown, White Plains, and Peoria making only a few thousand dollars a night to these crowds. You can’t possibly fathom what it’s like to go from that high of highs to the lowly ditch I’m in now. Who cares if I remain in the same tax bracket? 

My true fans can see how I’m hurting, and doesn’t my pain from inconveniences to my life make up for the harassment I allegedly caused, for which, once again, I’m ostensibly sorry. 

What am I supposed to do, apologize in a meaningful way for the things I’ve done? Make some kind of changes to myself and my actions to ensure that I never harm people in this way again? 

Let’s not go overboard, as a bright man I admire once tweeted in all caps “THE CURE CAN’T BE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE!” Asking me to do all of that work on myself seems disproportionate to the damage I’ve done to others. And this isn’t even including the other so-called “problematic” things I continue to do that haven’t come out yet. When will my penance end? 

Being cancelled is a vicious process. You get cancelled. Then you’re supposed to sit down, shut up, and reflect on your “years of committing heinous actions”–once more I can’t express enough my purported sadness for these deeds. 

I listened to “the other side” and those I’ve “wronged” for over a week and a half, how long is this supposed to go on for? The Twitter trolls say I should stay out of the public, retire on my amassed wealth, and just be glad I’m not brought up on any charges. That’s insane, if they’re saying this about me just imagine what they’ll spew about you if you ever consistently act in an abhorrent manner to people you have the upper-hand in a power dynamic with? 

How can I prove that I’m sitting back and actually listening if I’m not allowed to continue my normal and privileged life unimpeded? How am I supposed to demonstrate I’ve changed when I can’t get back to my regular routines? How am I supposed to make amends and prove myself to the world without being able to workshop my new material for my tour tentatively called Defund the PC Thought Police: I’m Still the Same Old Me Just With Grayer Pubes

If you want to learn more about my situation check out: my latest special Triggered 3: Did My Words Melt You Little Snowflake?/Global Warming Isn’t Real, the latest episode of my iHeartRadio podcast You Can’t Hurt Me, I’m Already Cancelled (shoutout to Casper Mattresses for sponsoring and thanks to Joe Rogan for having me on to promote it), and my brand new book I’m Being Censored and They’ll Come For You Next the number one selling e-book on Amazon. 

Heed my warning and don’t let the social justice warriors knock you down! 

P.S. If you’re reading this then you’re one of the patrons that has made me the owner of the largest and most profitable Patreon ever (shoutout to my dirtbag dominion!). We’ve gotta keep this up or else I’ll be completely silenced!

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