Cut down on carbs: “I used to eat a turkey sandwich for lunch every day, with lettuce, tomato and mustard on a whole wheat pita. But then I realized that’s a lot of bread, so I decided to go on a diet and instead just eat three hot dogs for lunch every day with ketchup and mustard—no buns. So far, I’ve lost 40 pounds!”

Start your day with a smoothie: “Toast was my usual breakfast, but when I realized it was time to slim down, I decided to try something a little healthier. I switched to smoothies and was surprised to find I actually love beginning my day with a light meal! My smoothie recipe is:

1 handful spinach
1 T almond butter
1 T ground flax seed
3 frozen bananas
6 scoops ice cream
1 gallon whole milk

For lunch and dinner, I’m still eating whatever the hell I want but it’s still working. I’ve dropped eight pant sizes and even fit into my wife’s jeans! (Please don’t tell her.)”

Up your protein intake: “My buddy Steve lost a ton of weight and when I asked how he did it, he told me about this great diet: it’s called Macho Meat Man. Basically you cut out bread completely and eat only meat. So if you’re craving a burger, you just replace the ‘bread’ with a pound or two of bacon. On the very first night of my diet between the hours of 11 p.m. and 2 a.m., I lost 20 pounds!”

Snack on vegetables: “I wanted to shed some pounds so I tried this thing you may have heard of—it’s called a vegetable. Am I pronouncing that correctly? It was disgusting but I’ve been forcing myself to eat one slice of vegetable between meals and now I’m almost down to my goal weight which, though I’m 9” taller than you, a woman who even the harshest critic would describe as ‘fit,’ is somehow less than you weigh! Also I gave up bread.”

Eat several small meals a day: “I’m doing this new diet that’s like Keto, but without all the math. Basically I eat five small meals a day: one full chicken per meal, plus sides and a biscuit. Sure, I miss bread (biscuits are technically a pastry), but the results are worth the sacrifice. I now weigh less than I did when I was born!”

Give up bread: “I tried everything: a push up, diet soda, cocaine, but nothing worked. Then, as I was chewing on my sixth bagel of the day, it hit me that I might be overweight because I was eating so much bread. So I cut it out completely and started losing weight so rapidly that one night a few months into the diet, I woke up the size of the children in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, only Rick Moranis didn’t shrink me—giving up bread and otherwise changing absolutely nothing about my diet or lifestyle did! I feel great, and my tiny body even gave me the confidence to meet my fiancé Stella. She’s an ant. Though she eats only grass, she has the sexiest curves in the whole yard (her thicc thorax drives me wild!). We’re a perfect match. Just the other day, we came upon a pile of breadcrumbs and Stella walked right past because, like most women, she hasn’t eaten bread since she turned 13, except for the occasional bite on a federal holiday. Her discipline gave me the strength to resist the breadcrumbs and feast instead on an entire animal carcass 600 times my size. After all, I’ve got to stick to my diet!”