Did someone wake up on the wrong side of me this morning? I find it a bit disturbing that you’re scrolling through mattress ads online. Are you thinking of replacing me, your Tempurific 3000 Memory Foam Mattress? You can’t be serious! How ‘bout we close that laptop and sleep in a little? No? Do I need to take you on a trip down memory foam lane?
I remember when you first brought me home from Mattress Warehouse. You liked my 5-year warranty which, l don’t think I need to remind you, is longer than most of your relationships.
You said I was everything you’d ever dreamed of. And, as memory serves me, some of your dreams involve Vikings, fur and your high school AP English teacher reciting love verses from The Notebook.
Haven’t I cradled every inch of you and “Mattress Mambo Chad” with luxurious foam? Just a reminder that I can only be responsible for memorizing the needs of two people in bed at one time. Not ‘throuples,’ no matter what Chad suggested.
No one has been more loyal to you than I! It wasn’t me who went away for a weekend with Chad and snagged that Westin upgrade to the king-bed, partial parking lot view suite. Does that Heavenly Bed® know you faked orgasms? Does Chad?
Please, I can overlook that; Really, I can! It’s just a small wrinkle in the sheets of our relationship. I can also overlook that you can’t fold a hospital corner; Your whole attempt is a Martha Stewart Hampton Floral sham. But “You duvet you,” I say.
I’d like to forget the drinking but I have a small stain to remind me. After that one party, you were three-sheets-to-the-wind, so to speak. You went down for the Egyptian cotton 750 thread-count and spilled the remainder of a perfectly good Barrista Pinotáge Red on me.
Let me also remind you that you once spent five straight days in bed eating Nacho Cheese Doritos and bean dip because you and Chad broke up. If I remember correctly (and I’m sure I do because my long-term, explicit, episodic memory neurons are all still firing!), I had to threaten mattresscide to get you to change the sheets. Sheets should be changed every week, not once a month.
Which reminds me: you forget to rotate me every six months. Even a Tempurific 3000 Memory Foam Mattress needs a change of scenery.
I know I haven’t always been a bed of roses. I get depressed every now and then and it’s hard to spring back. And so what if I’m starting to lose a little of my short-term memory? I still remember our purchase anniversary and which side of the bed you sleep on! Didn’t we agree we’d never go to bed angry?
Are you still scrolling? After everything I’ve done for you, you’re going to throw me out over a handcrafted, sustainably-produced, ethically-sourced mattress with a lifetime warranty and stain-resistant cover? I should have let the bed bugs move in when I had the chance!
Okay, I get it; Too many memories. I’m begging you! I’ll end up cold, damp and under a freeway overpass! Or on the floor of a crack house! Do I deserve to be turned into a cliché in the weeds of a vacant lot partially obscuring a Law & Order SVU victim?
Are you really going to click ‘Pay Now?’ How do you sleep at night?! Yeah, fine! Never mind that we’ve spent one third of our lives together! Tell you what; Let’s sleep on it. Maybe then you’ll remember that I know it was you who removed the DO NOT TEAR OFF UNDER PENALTY OF LAW tag.