1.       Sleeping naked, over the sheets and blankets, with the fan on HIGH.

2.       Pineapple and cranberry cocktails help everyone, with or without vodka.

3.       You buy Astroglide in bulk.

4.       At some point every day, you’re standing in front of the freezer moving an ice cube slowly up and down your neck while Slayer plays in the background.

5.       You’re arguing with multiple podcasts. Out loud. And losing.

6.       You once drooled over Chris Cornell and Tommy Lee. Now Patton Oswalt and Tracy Letts get you hot.

7.       Most afternoons you can be found on the back porch, slowly massaging your breasts with a facial expression some might label: Constipated.

8.       Electric shocks pulse through your body even when you’re not swiping through Tinder.

9.       Twice this week alone you’ve been caught sucking ice cubes.

10.   Two words: night burps.

11.   Lotion is your new best friend.

12.   Prune juice. You get it now.  

13.   Daily naps are a thing.

14.   So are nightly baths with candles. And Epsom salt.

15.   You’re worried. All the time.

16.   After an orgasm, you forget where you are for a minute.

17.   Car commercials make you cry and announce sarcastically, “Sorry I’m human” to concerned family members.

18.   You feel disoriented and a little dizzy when your husband announces it’s time to help shave the back of his neck.

19.   Yoga stretches. In Juicy sweatpants.

20.   Now showering up to three times each day.

21.   Your heartrate increases sporadically, not just when it’s Takeout Tuesday.

22.   You’ve been known to whisper, “I can’t get pregnant anymore” after two glasses of wine.

23.   Waking up in the middle of the night to stare out the window and contemplate life without teeth is the new normal. And yes, you’re still naked.

Sexy: 1, 3-4, 6, 8-9, 11, 14, 16, 19-23

Menopause: 1-23