After the passing of the esteemed and revered Alex Trebek, it was announced that the position would be filled by a series of hosts. Was I excited? Does Colorado have pot outlets next to donut shops? I already had my suit, my new haircut, my jokes, my categories: Foods That Make Ed Overweight; Really Dumb Investments Made By Ed; Famous Eds That Aren’t Talking Horses. And, my favorite: Asshole Senators From Texas.
My big sister quickly poked holes in my Jeopardy Happiness Plan. “Mm, you know there’s only two senators per state, right? You need five questions for a category.”
Displaying my quick improvisational skills, which I envisioned sharing with the TV world behind that Jeopardy podium, I countered with: “There’s history, right? I mean, tracking Texas back to the 1800s, I think I could find five assholes. Who were senators. Boom!”
My sister: “You know, the host doesn’t make the categories. AND, I hate to break it to you, but nobody really cares about ‘Ed’. I mean, I have to because I’m your sister. And, just so you know, if you ever were to host—anything–through some unintended, chaotic rupture of the time/space continuum, you can’t just say Boom because you think you’re right. Just sayin’.”
“You’re just mad because they haven’t named any possible female hosts—”
“Don’t even go there or I’ll give you a new category about fratricide.
Alas, all hopes were dashed when it was announced Ken Jennings would host. Of course. Teacher’s pet. I was triggered back to every class I ever took where the archetypical Jennings would ace all the tests, answer all the questions, make all the teachers smile, win all the awards, get the biggest cookie at the bake sale, get picked first in flag football, even though he couldn’t catch, or run, or throw for that matter.
Why? Just because he was SMART, that special I have all the adult support and admiration and you can’t kick my ass at lunch because even the school bullies appreciate me because I do their homework and I’ll eventually host a game show kind of smart.
And then, and then, from the gloomy shadows of this triple-digit-IQ fait accompli, came the announcement that Aaron Rodgers would host ten episodes of Jeopardy. Yes, THAT Aaron Rodgers. The football player. Green Bay Quarterback. Wanna’-Be insurance commercial actor who makes Chris Paul look like Denzel Washington. Have you watched an episode? He makes Bill Belichick seem as scintillating as Pee Wee.
This is the guy who, in a playoff game heading to the Super Bowl, which is only the biggest game, no, dare I say spectacle on the planet, where commercials cost like a billion dollars a minute, and the half time entertainment is bigger than The Big Bang and Comicon combined, this would-be Jeopardy host, thinking the defense is in man-to-man, misreads the field and throws into a two-deep coverage zone where the safeties were attached to Davante Adams like.., gauze to said halftime Weekend artist. Game over. No Super Bowl!
And he gets to host! Well, as anyone can reason, that opened the door wide for me. I’m Your Man. The Man. A Man. Oh, I hear the skeptics and haters, “Isn’t that the guy who doesn’t shovel his walk?” And, “Didn’t he try to sell an app that detects aliens in supermarkets?” (Ok, I have a bad back. And have you been to a 24-hour Safeway to get milk and Pepto? Who’s really behind those masks?)
So, to assuage those naysayers, here are ten.., eight.., ok, five air-tight reasons why I should host Jeopardy.
1.) Aaron plays football. I used to play football.
2.) Aaron has facial hair. I have facial hair.
3.) Aaron has a double-digit IQ (To wit, throwing into double coverage in the biggest game of the year.) I have a double-digit IQ.
4.) Aaron stars in insurance commercials. I have insurance!
5.) Aaron is good-looking, charming and overpaid. I have insurance.
So, I’ve got my flight booked, got my hand sanitizer, got my masks. And remember, the Double Jeopardy answer is Ed. The question? And please answer in the form of a question: “Who is the next surprise all-star, voted ‘Most Likely to dissipate into the ether’ by his high school graduating class, to host Jeopardy?”