I hear you’re having the Great Cleanout. And your shitty list of approved foods — foods you’re allowed to eat in the days prior to your procedure, foods that move through you and don’t leave a residue — is mostly complicated and bland: bone broth, potatoes prepared skinless and served without butter, fruit that bares no seeds, and chai latte without the latte. You want simple, you want mindless, especially since you’ll be too fatigued to do much. What ever will you do?? Who will be the hero of your journey?

My beginnings are humble: I started as a dusty box of orange powder in the back of your pantry, that dingy place where you shove food with no expiration date (although I prefer the term “evergreen”), the food to rifle through in the event of an apocalypse – or a colonoscopy. 

You see, I’ve been biding my time, waiting for my moment to shine. And well, well, well. Looky here. You want simple yet palatable? Mindless yet flavorful? Search no further. Suddenly I seem pretty damn good, eh? I always knew I had the power to stave off starvation. Watch out: the purported master is about to become the indentured slave. I knew I’d come into your life – into you – at some point. Glory is MINE! 

You mixed the powder with water and put me in the fridge overnight to set. And blam! Here I am. I have arrived, and baby, I am a luscious, gelatinous mass of sweet ubiquity. You sampled a spoonful of me for breakfast, and I know that shrug you gave was really a shiver of pleasure. Soon you discovered the simplicity of eating one thing all day, and the rest is history. I am at once everywhere and nowhere, baby, moving through you like a smooth criminal. Lap me up like cold water on a hot day. Taste every inch of me as your insides clutch to me for sustenance. I am what you need, and I am all you need. At long last, I’m taking control of your life. Love me! You cannot run away, nor should you try (besides, the only place you’ll be capable of running to is the bathroom). 

You know what puts the jiggle in my wiggle? Knowing I’m all you’ve got. Ironic, isn’t it? Whereas before you shunned me, I now reign supreme for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, especially when you realize that bone broth is gross and boring as hell. And really, who wants that drab potato, de-milked chai, or castrated fruit? I am just the zing you need to get through these dark, dark days. 

I’m so smooth you will start to wonder how you ever could have gone without me. MiraLax? GoLytly? Colyte? Bring it on. While the medicine activates your bowels a couple days before your procedure, just remember: I put the wiggle in your middle as your stomach starts to groan. I’m the orange ray of sunshine churning my way through your lonely colon, and coming out as rain. I am your best friend, the one you cling to because there’s nothing else, your liquid diet ruler and commander. Because right now, I’m the best you can do. Go ahead, try and leave. Try and do better. Trust me, you will come crawling back (because you’ll be too weak to walk). I’m the stuff of soft food fantasies. And, for your information, by the time your colonoscopy is complete, you’ll be hooked. By virtue of my viscous, slimy stature, you’ll be too addicted to shelve me again. I’ll haunt your dreams. The Great Cleanout may happen only once every ten years, but don’t look now – I am your master for life.