The Kid Who Had Cooties: Ah, there was always a cooties kid. Often marked as a victim at an early age, nearly every K-5 experience had one. As if going through early puberty around the opposite sex wasn’t enough, the kid who was saddled with the cootie curse had it extra worse. And it didn’t just mean they got left off the guest list at girl-boy birthday parties in case it initiated a super spread. Every time a bug or flu was going around class, you always had the cooties kid as a scapegoat, which was pretty awesome for everyone else. Today, the cootie kid most likely grew up to be a dedicated hypochondriac.
The Kid Who Accidentally Called the Teacher Mom In Third Grade: Who can possibly forget when that one kid called their teacher “Mom” in the third grade? Obviously no one ever let it down with the poor kid, but they probably ended up marrying a nice elementary school teacher and have two kids in the suburbs now! They also consistently call their wife ‘mom’ in bed by accident and are in marriage counseling because of it.
The Kid Who Fell Off the Stage During the School Production of Fiddler on the Roof: Every school had that one kid who fell off the stage during the school production of Fiddler on the Roof. For example, do you remember when Samantha Carney from Mrs. Smith’s class played the Matchmaker in Fiddler on the Roof and during a dance scene she fell off the stage? We had to keep going because you know, “the show must go on,” but her crying overpowered the sound of the music so we had to stop. Anyway, we heard that she’s a lawyer now and she gets really triggered if you mention the word “tradition” around her!
The Kid Who Fell Off the Rope In Gym Where It Was Really Funny But Then Got Kind Of Scary Because We Thought He Died For A Second: Wow, who remembers during the rope climbing unit in gym total jokester Arnold Marcus climbed to the top and then suddenly just fell all the way onto the mat? It was so freakin’ funny at first because it was so Arnold to just do something for the laughs. But then he wasn’t moving for a little bit and things got REALLY awkward. Wow, we all thought he was dead and that would have been a total buzzkill that day. Turns out, he only got badly hurt and they had to ban rope climbing in the entire state and named a law after him! I hear he’s, like, an accountant now? Good for him!
The Kid in Your Third Grade Class Who Lost a Tooth During Lunch But Accidentally Swallowed It And Then Shit It Out During Bathroom Break in Between Science and Gym: Oh my God, did you even go to elementary school if you didn’t have that one kid who can’t even tell a chicken sandwich from their actual flesh and blood? While there were rumors for years that Becca Jones not only scored a whopping $20 from the Tooth Fairy for the said poop tooth, but also that she was an actual cannibal and liked eating teeth for fun. Katelyn G., who claims she was in the stall next to Becca when she shit out the tooth, said that it “literally did happen.” According to LinkedIn, Becca is now a funeral director and just buried your great-aunt which was kind of weird.
The One Kid In Mrs. Hanson’s Class In Fifth Grade Who On A Field Trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo Climbed Into the Flamingo Exhibit And His Clothes Got Soaked So the Teacher Had to Buy Him Souvenir Gift Shop Clothes For Him To Wear And Also Your School Was Banned From Coming Back to the Zoo: Anyone who knows anyone remembers the kid who pulled this stunt, and if you don’t remember, then hate to break it to you but it was probably you! This kid was usually a daredevil, a teacher’s worst nightmare, and named Derek Markowski. Chances are he also probably got suspended for a few weeks and went to juvie for something else but you heard it was because he stabbed a classmate in math. At least, that’s what Tommy Kidman said since he lived next door to Derek at the time and always heard his mom screaming at him from the backyard! Today, Derek is a cop.