Gently massage the cleanser into your skin in a circular, clockwise motion for precisely 66.6 seconds to remove any makeup, impurities, and curses that have built up overnight. This process wakes up your skin and the coven of witches from their infernal slumber to begin their incantations.
Here’s the thing, ladies: an entire coven of witches can recite spells in unison, but their spells won’t penetrate to the depths of your soul if your pores are clogged. So, scrape off any remaining dead skin cells by repeating the cleansing process with an exfoliator, preferably one infused with tiny diamonds shaped like knives, massaging counterclockwise for another 66.6 seconds. If it tingles or feels like your epidermis is being grated like a block of cheese, that means it’s working.
Put the dead skin and the blood in a plastic bag.
Hold the bag in your left hand and walk in circles around your apartment until you find your purse. Note: this doesn’t have anything to do with the spells, but we know you, girl.
Place the bag of blood and dead skin in your purse with an empty water bottle, three lemons, six tablespoons of cayenne pepper, and a few sprigs of organic hemlock from the “Enchantments Aisle” at your local Whole Foods (located next to the probiotics).
Walk East until you see a Great Clips. Put on a smock, and pretend to work there. When you see a baby under the age of two getting their first haircut, sweep up the hair, and put it in the plastic bag.
Go to Sweetgreen and order a Guacamole Greens salad with hot sauce on the side. Note: Be sure to pay with the Sweetgreen App, or the coven won’t be notified to send you a raven.
Stand outside and face West until the raven approaches from the North. Follow the raven to a cave at the base of Devil’s Door mountain.
Follow the sound of the coven’s chants to the pentagram at the edge of an underground river.
Set the Guacamole Greens salad in the middle of the pentagram as payment for Charon, the ferryman of the afterlife. (The only place to eat in the Underworld is Guy Fieri’s Flavortown, and Charon is lactose intolerant.)
Fill your water bottle up with water from the river, the juice from the lemons, and cayenne pepper. Shake six times. Drink ONLY HALF of the mixture. Hydration is key to a flawless complexion, but the rest stop bathrooms in the Underworld are super gross.
Pour the remaining lemon cayenne pepper water into your eyes and wait for Charon to arrive. Note: you won’t be able to see his face because you just poured lemon pepper water into your eyes, but you’ll recognize his signature scent, which is the same Axe Body Spray as your ex.
When the boat stops at Hell Gate, get out. Don’t forget the plastic bag of blood, dead skin, baby hair, or your purse! The last thing any girl needs is to wake up the next day and have to cancel all of her credit cards or track down an Underworld ferryman to find her phone.
Walk towards the shrieking noises and fire.
Make your way down to the Sixth Circle through people who try to cut boarding lines at the airport, Goop “science experts,” and people who use “Not all” hashtags and find the pit of snakes in the North-East corner. Ask Drogo the pitmaster for a vile of venom.
Walk down two more flights of stairs to the Eighth Circle past the social media influencers, reality TV stars, and Ponzi schemers. Take the blood, dead skin, and baby hair out of the plastic bag and hand them to the old woman hovering over a cauldron with the hemlock, vile of venom, and three of your credit cards.
While still boiling, lather the mixture generously all over your face until your skin peels off.