8:10 a.m. – As soon as I wake up, I am overwhelmed with the feeling that no one is going to take me seriously today. Just like yesterday and the day before.
It doesn’t help that I live down the hall from that know-it-all Times New Roman with all her “serif-y” airs. I start the day with a bowl of Half and Half over Fruity Pebbles because that’s just what a font like me needs.
9:30 a.m. – I show up for work at Word Inc. and line up under the Format Tool Bar, hoping that I can be useful today. So far, some kid picked me for a “Country Time” lemonade stand flyer and Sid from Sarasota went wild printing out ‘knock-knock’ jokes for his grandniece.
11:00 a.m. – Woke up from a daydream that I was actually the choice for Tiffany Trump and Michael Boulos’ wedding invitation. Ha! Like I would even agree to that. Let them stick to some swirly filigree that no one can decipher. I might not be upscale, but I’m legible.
12:30 p.m. – Went outside and tried to get co-workers to join me in a “Water Balloon Fight!!!” No takers. Suggested a “Picnic-Lunch Friday in Pajamas!!!” Crickets. I actually had one taker for the “Lisa Frank Sticker Swap!!!” but felt so dejected, I trudged back to work. I know I look like a happy-go-lucky guy but deep down I’m as depressed as Helvetica. He was never the same after coming down from the high of being featured in that Netflix documentary.
2:00 p.m. – Sent another email to the executive producer of Sesame Street reminding her that they used me in the credits from 2003 to 2006. “Maybe it’s time to bring me back in italics.”
2:37 p.m. – Got an email response from Sesame Street’s attorney notifying me that any further communication would be considered ‘harassment and a serious threat to said parties’ welfare and safety.’
5:00 p.m. – Walked home and ran into my friend ☺ Smiley Face. Reminisced about the ‘90’s when we were considered kind of cool. Smelled rum and War Heads on his breath.
7:15 p.m. – Hit the gym, mainly to see what was up at the bulletin board. Actually hate working out unless there’s a ball pit to jump into because that’s just what a font like me needs.
8:00 p.m. – Tried to meditate using my special mantra – “FREE!!” But kept thinking about Kids Cuisine Dinner and quit.
11:00 p.m. Settled down in my racecar bed and made gear shifting noises until I fell asleep.
11:00 p.m. Up briefly to feed my Tamagotchi.
11:18 p.m. A buzz at the door??!!! It was Times New Roman in bold. “Heard you’re a lotta fun,” she purred. “Let’s get printed!”
Aw, poor Comic Sans….