The New Improved Zodiac Signs: Are You A Toaster Or An Aardvark?

The Barista: Your energy, high-strung temperament, and affinity for live performance make you a natural salesman or group fitness instructor. Although you occasionally have a prima donna-ish tantrum, you truly like people and enjoy revving them up. Your soulmate is always a Martini or an Aardvark who instantly calms your spirit and brings focus to your sometimes chaotic life. Avoid Iguanas at all cost! Exes can be an interesting challenge for you but those relationships never last.

The Aardvark: By nature curious, you are always investigating both things you should and those your shouldn’t. People find you amusing and are always laughing when you’re around, but you need to keep your focus on finding that next hill to climb. You have a keen sense of smell which will serve you well in the food industry. Look for an Armadillo or if you’re feeling adventurous a Drone. Avoid the hot-headed Toaster.

The Hipster: You have an uncommonly well honed sense of the cool, but sometimes you alienate people. Many do not trust you behind those shades and secretly deride your ill-fitting clothes and retro hats. You need to work on more direct communication with others and tone down the smirk at which you excel. A less aggressive hairstyle may help you find happiness with a Martini, your natural mate. You could also find contentment with a cool Iguana or people-pleasing Cell. Avoid Exes entirely.

The Toaster: A fire sign, you have a hot temper when goaded, and if left unchecked are capable of searing flare-ups. Sometimes people won’t touch you till you cool down! Play it safe in relationships with unemotional Hipsters. Aardvarks who sense when you’re enraged are also compatible. Any relationship with a Hoarder could be incendiary, and one with an Ex can only lead to disaster.

The Iguana: Others sometimes misjudge your intense focus for inertia. Often at a total standstill for long periods, you can move at a frenetic pace when it suits you. With your ability to concentrate and your silent nature, you will do well in library work or in academe. You are compatible with Hipsters who admire your cool demeanor, but you are most at home with the mild Aardvark or even a Martini.  

The Drone: An air sign, high-flying idealist that you are, people are fascinated by your zip and your perspective! You depend on others for direction and power, but once you’re off on an adventure, you really shine on your own. Hoarders will disappoint you with their heaviness of spirit. You will find great happiness with a Barista or Cell. Steer clear of Iguanas who will only bore you, and Armadillos whom you will find tiresome.

The Armadillo: You are easily frightened and have developed  special emotional armor. Although your defenses are strong, you have a tendency to get flattened on the road of life. Your cautious nature makes you slow, so you do best with Aardvarks, Iguanas, or possibly a Whole Foodster. Avoid Baristas and Toasters whose extroverted ways make you curl inward.

The Hoarder: A natural historian of sorts, you are obsessed with the past and all its physical manifestations. Able to ignore clutter and confusion, you will do well to find employment in the retail industry, especially in antiques or at thrift stores. Your exaggerated sense of what is practical does not mesh with Drones, and you find contentment often with Iguanas or Martinis. Aardvarks will find your home repugnant.

The Cell: A terrific communicator, you are always the center of attention wherever you go. People can’t keep their hands off of you. Remember not to overdo it in life, recharging each night with decent rest. You have so-so chemistry with Baristas, and do very poorly with Armadillos whom you find totally neurotic. Steer clear of Toasters, and seek out Hipsters and Martinis since they are your true mates. You may be tempted by a Whole Foodster, but you are too similar which will lead to clashes.

The Martini: Those born under this sign are capable of great influence, whether for good or ill is a matter of degree. You have a way of making people relaxed and comfortable, but also at times edgy and feisty. Your best relationships are with the cool Whole Foodster or Hipster, but sometimes your nature counterbalances the Barista and you find great harmony. Often you are good for Hoarders, but that magic never lasts.

The Whole Foodster: Aloof and disdainful at moments, you have a tendency to scorn those who may seek your advice or aid. The pride with which you sail through life is an asset and a curse since your powerful confidence often leads people to misjudge you as an uppity jerk. You do well with Toasters and Drones, both signs which can tolerate your high self-appraisal. Avoid Hipsters completely for your similarities are too intense, and Baristas will annoy you eventually. A Martini is possibly a good match since you often need some calming down.

The Ex: One born under this enigmatic sign can elicit from others either warm and bittersweet feelings, or insufferable volcanic rage. Exes are often inflexible and have difficulty progressing in life, particularly past emotional events and changes. A pairing with a Hoarder is generally disastrous. Best relationships are found with the easy-going Aardvark or immobile Iguana. Never even consider an easily bruised Armadillo or moody Martini.  

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