Nonuplets: Woman from Mali Gives Birth to Nine Babies

NPR headline, May 6, 2021

1.     You will be the darling of every insurance agent in a 300-mile radius. Change your contact numbers.

2.     After the third well-meaning relative advises, “Sleep when they sleep,” you will arrange for a trusted friend to hold you back until the urge to kill passes.

3.     Teenage babysitters will be unavailable for 16 years.

4.     You can field baseball and basketball teams without scouting. You could play soccer and football too, if you or your spouse suit up. (Tip: It’s easier to play than bring the snacks.)

5.     As a parent, you may not survive the “knock-knock joke” stage of growth.

6.     There will be no such thing as a quick anything: Snack, errand, question, doctor’s appointment, bath or goodnight kiss.

7.     Orthodontia will break you.

8.     When the children become ravenous teenagers, you will need another refrigerator, a dairy cow or, to be on the safe side, both of those, and a taco truck parked in the yard.

9.     A wise nunuplet will learn to be thrilled with birthday gifts of shoes, underpants, Band-aids and toothbrushes that have not been used by anyone else.

10. The terms “organized,” “tidy,” “caught up” and “laid-back” will become empty social constructs as foreign as Thailand’s monkey buffet festival. In fact, you are far more likely to describe your life as “a monkey buffet festival” than as “organized” and “laid-back,” The sooner you accept this, the better it will go.