“I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” Rewritten By A 38-Year-Old Woman Desperately Trying To Find A Suitable Spouse

Age strikes upon my birthday,
And my 30s begin to fade.
Not enough time to figure out
How to find a spouse today.

Dating’s been garbage up ’till now.
It’s those dull Tinder matches who show me how.
Looking at my four walls,
Loneliness calls.

Oh, I wanna marry somebody.
I wanna feel content with somebody.
Yeah, I wanna get hitched with somebody.
With somebody who’ll tolerate me.

Oh, I wanna marry somebody.
I wanna just put up with somebody.
Yeah, I wanna marry somebody.
With somebody who’ll talk to me.

I’ve felt defeated and lost my senses,
On Hinge with a constant frown.
Sooner or later, the frustration begins
And the wine just goes right down.

I need a guy who’ll take a chance
On this 38+ chick who’s a goddamn blast.
‘Cause when he wants booty calls…
My douchebag ex calls.

Oh, I wanna marry somebody.
At this point, I mean basically anybody.
Yup, I’ll tie the knot with somebody.
For somebody to eat meals with me.

Oh, I wanna conceive with somebody.
Even though that’s such a feeeeaaatttttt!
Yeahhhhh, ‘cause it’ll be a geriatric pregnancy.
Somebody, please, impregnate me!

Somebody who, somebody who,
Somebody who won’t kill me!
Somebody who, somebody who,
Can reach my high shelves with his long arms, oh!

I need a groom who’ll take a chance
On this bride with gray hairs growin’ in fast!
So when my 12th engaged friend calls,
My plus-one needs callllllll!

Oh, I wanna marry somebody.
I wanna tie the knot with somebody.
Yeah, pretty much fucking anybody.
With somebody to pay bills with me.

Oh, I’ll even elope with somebody.
I’ll even go to Vegas with somebody.
Yeah, just wanna be bored with somebody.
With somebody to watch TV with me.

Ohhhh!
(Marriage)
You know, baby!
(Marriage)
Woo! Yeah!
(Marriage)
Swipe right on this!

Whooooaaaa!

Don’t you wanna wed? (Wed!) Wed me, baby?
Don’t you wanna wed? (Wed!) And have a baby boy?
Hey, don’t you wanna settle? (Settle!) Settle for me, baby?
With somebody to open tight jars for me!

Don’t you wanna wed?
Say you wanna wed?
Do you wanna fucking wed?
(Wed!)
Don’t you wanna wed?
Please, can we just wed?
I really wanna wed.
(Wed!)
Don’t you wanna wed?
Say you wanna wed! Uh-huh! 
(Wed!)
With a woman pushin’ forrrrrtttty!

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