How To Know If You Are Ephroning

“Making it through a full twenty four hours without a single misstep is called Reaganing.”

30 Rock

 For women, this is called Ephroning.

  1. You’re at a fabulous party with a group of the most literary, highbrow minds of your generation, the intellectual creme de la creme. It’s an evening of sparkling conversation. When it’s your turn to say something about the latest politician to publicly humiliate himself, everyone holds their breath, waiting to hear what you have to say. You make a cutting remark like, “And on top of everything, his pants are green.” A hushed silence falls over the crowd. Suddenly, everyone laughs and applauds. When they go home that night, everyone tells their partner you were the funniest. But you don’t care. Their approval means nothing to you.
  2. You get bangs, just because, and they look fantastic. And while this is a hairstyle most people get when pulling themselves out of the emotional wreckage of a breakup and is almost universally unflattering, you just have “one of those faces.”
  3. You smell like butter and people see this as a positive attribute, not an indication of a pheromonal imbalance.
  4. Not only does every single person you invite to your home for dinner actually attend, they stay the perfect amount of time — arriving at 8 p.m. and leaving shortly after 1 a.m. — they bring exactly what they said they were going to bring and not just a bag of sour cream and onion chips because it was the first thing they saw at the bodega.
  5. Not once does someone say to you “Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m so bad with faces. What’s your name again?” They remember.
  6. You spill red wine on your white shirt, but miraculously instead of leaving a stain, the wine slides down your body, as though you, yourself are impervious to stains, red wine or otherwise.
  7. At work, you deliver as many as 37 consecutive words without a man talking over you or interrupting. You even get to keep the credit for your own ideas.
  8. While walking down the street, you come to an unfamiliar corner and aren’t sure which direction to take. You go with your gut. Your gut is right. When you turn the corner, you come upon a gorgeous tree-lined street and a sign in a window that says “Perfect Rent Stabilized Apartment Seeks Tenant To Live Affordably For Decades On End in New York City.”
  1. Instead of little birdies that help you get dressed in the morning like a Disney princess, you have Diane Sawyer and Rosie O’Donnell.
  2. You’re at the book signing for your debut novel. It’s packed, with legions of fans waiting to get your autograph. Your ex happens to stroll by. He is so distracted by your beauty and weighed down with regret that he trips and falls, his face landing squarely in the only patch of mud to be found in the middle of a New York City sidewalk. When he gets home, he reads the chapter you wrote about him and says out loud to himself, “She was right.”
  3. A bird poops on you, but after realizing who you are, immediately squawks her apologies and brings you a napkin.
  4. You are the only person in the world who is allowed to criticize Meryl Streep.

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