I’ve Decided That Wearing Pants Is A Violation Of My Constitutional Rights, So Here’s My Balls

These are my balls and, no, I won’t put them away.

I’ve decided that you asking me to wear pants is a clear violation of my constitutional rights as an American. So, I’m going to go round with my balls hanging out and if you don’t like it then you can go back to communist Iran.

I’m sick of those woke liberal snowflakes in Washington telling us that we have to wear pants because our balls might offend someone. Well, screw your feelings, these are my balls. These are American balls and the constitution says that if I want to go around with my pants off and my balls out then I can go around with my pants off and my balls out.

Now, let me into this store!

Well, if your other customers don’t like my balls, then they don’t like America. They don’t like freedom, and it should be them who aren’t allowed in your store.

All of you. All of you who love America! Look at my balls. My balls are America and this lady won’t let America in the store. Fellow Americans, stand up for my balls. Because my balls are your balls, they’re all our balls and today it’s me being oppressed. Today it’s me standing up to the woke mob who want to oppress my balls with pants, but tomorrow it could be you, or your son, or your father or mother. This isn’t just my balls, it’s all our balls.

No, I won’t stop shouting, lady. These are my rights. It’s my rights to shout about my rights.

I know I could put on pants and just come in the store, obviously, I could put on pants and come in the store, the point is that it’s my constitutional rights not to wear pants and you can’t oppress my constitutional rights.

Did General Patton wear pants when he defeated Vietnam? I don’t know, no one does. But our great constitution would have protected his rights not to wear pants if that’s what he chose – and that’s General Patton!

Yes, the constitution. It’s in the constitution. It says that you shouldn’t have to wear pants if you don’t want to.

I don’t know exactly where, but it’s in there.

No, I haven’t read *all* of the constitution, no. But why should I? I shouldn’t have to. It’s my right as an American not to read the constitution if I don’t want to. The point is, it should be in the constitution. It should be in the constitution, and if it’s not in the constitution then that makes me ashamed as an American and, lady, I think you’ll find that I’m not alone, and when people find out that the right to not wear pants isn’t in the constitution, then there’s going to be some pretty angry Americans out there.

Narrator: And that’s why, on March 3rd 2022, the 29th Amendment to the United States Constitution was ratified prohibiting the denial of the right to not wear pants. It followed shortly after the 28th Amendment prohibiting the denial of the right to infect fellow Americans with highly infectious diseases by not just shutting up and wearing a damn mask.

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